It's complicated...

Yup, that's my status. Funny how once you post online, it really becomes real. I've told my parents and dear friends that Aaron and I are working things out for real this time. I am the happiest I have been in a while, I know this is going to work out.

We have been going to counseling, WOW, it's amazing how different that makes things. Finally, we can talk about important things, our past and not fight, get angry, its like we are learning how to be married. I honestly wish we had done counseling sooner. Perhaps we could have avoided this whole thing. Although, maybe we were meant to go through this whole incredible ordeal because it was meant to make us stronger as individuals and most importantly as a couple.

Dae is going to have his parents together, better then ever and we are going to rule our world.

LOVE IT.

Looking Up!

Today was our first couples counseling session. I just want to say, I am REALLY happy with the way things went. I like our counselor, he's a student working on his graduate level stuff and we met his supervisor/professor, he's amazing.

He came in and had been watching us on video and noticed by the way we were sitting how we feel about each other, we discussed why we wanted to go to counseling and the history of our relationship/marriage. The counselor said we were a great couple, that things look so positive and workable. He said I was strong and powerful (wish he had said I had super powers but that's ok) and that aaron has strength and that we need each other to work

There was a ton of other stuff, we talked about some heavy things, it was INTENSE at some points, just the raw emotion, the truth, the love. POWERFUL and AMAZING.

I am so freaking happy, in love, hopeful...loving life right now. I can't wait to see what the future holds for my family.

Kicked Into Gear

ugh! I hate when I let thoughts and ideas of other people negatively affect me. I feel like I am letting them control me, well, in a way I am. What are you supposed to do when your happiness could cause others to be upset with you, or worst case scenario, stop speaking to you altogether?

I know things with me and Aaron aren't perfect, haven't been and we need a lot of work, but what if, just what if, we are meant to be and are going to work out. That's where these issues come into play, because I have people on my end, like my parents who I'm about 95% sure will be angry with me for going back to Aaron. My mom will be more supportive (I think) then my dad, my dad keeps asking when the divorce will be finalized. I'm so torn with being upset over the fact that he will be angry with me, that it causes me to slow down and wonder what would happen in the future. How would he treat Aaron at Christmas? How would he treat him down the line? Would things be awkward? Would Aaron feel comfortable?

The real question is, why do I care so much? Why does the happiness of someone else matter so much more then my own happiness? I am determined to make this work, and if that means I step on some toes in the process and upset some people, well then so be it.

I need to also get more focused on school, my dad has been really discouraging, telling me to just quit and work, but I don't want to do that. I don't want to work a dead end job for the rest of my life. I want to love what I do and do what I love. I'm going to see where things are in November/early December and decide from there what my next step will be.

I WILL BE HAPPY DAMNIT. and sorry to say it, but if you don't like how I choose to be happy, keep it to yourself or be prepared for me to distance myself away.

Holding My Breath

People always say "don't hold your breath" or "I'm not holding my breath"...what does that really mean? I take it to mean, I want a certain thing to happen but, chances are, it won't so I'm trying not to care...well that's kind of stupid. I mean, if you don't care, then of course you won't hold your breath waiting for it to happen.

This past few weeks have been really interesting/confusing/emotional but I have been happy through it all. I think we are on our path to maybe working things out with Aaron. He admitted wrong to all the things he's done and I know he is sincere this time. I want things to work, he wants them to work, now, and this is where the breath holding comes in, he has to show it.

Talk is cheap, if he wants me to risk upsetting my family intensely, then he needs to prove it. He knows he needs to prove it, and that I'm not waiting forever, so it's all up to him now.

I do have some reservations, I worry so much about what my family will do or say about it. Will they support me? Will they disown me? Will everything still be ok? The only thing I do know, is that when the 3 of us are together, everything is right with the world for that moment. My son is happy, I am happy and that's what matters right?

I am so glad that I have this blog to throw my random thoughts out, I don't know who or shoot, if anyone reads it, I don't really care, I just need this outlet to get all my thoughts out without being judged by anyone.

I can't handle being judged anymore. I just want to do what makes me happy and what makes Dae happy and I don't need any bullshit. If I get hurt again, it will be all on me and I won't go crying to anyone...but, I don't think I'm going to be hurt again.

one liner

*sigh* I have so many things to say, but not the words or the time...so is life.