Happy New Year!!!!

wow. 2011 was a rough year! It started off terribly, got worse and then came around and got much MUCH better. I'm hoping for only good things in 2012.

Everyone always starts with the resolutions, goals and "must do" things for the new year. Of course I have them too, but I'm hoping a different way of thinking will help me accomplish them instead of failing by February.

1) Have more good times then bad. Sure this doesn't seem like something we can control, but I think we can. I can not stop all bad things from happening, but we can control how we react to them and think postivly so that the "damages" aren't as severe as they may seem. Where there's a will, there's a way and I have the will. After 2011, I know that one for sure.

2) Spend more time as a family. This one is easy, we are finally going to be living on our own, just me, Dae and Aaron and hopefully, we will finally get to see Zain. Spending 2011 as a single parent, I know what my friends have gone through and I want to make sure that Dae has both his parents all the time and that we make good positive memories instead of bad ones.

3) Eat "good for us" food. We have got to lose weight and keep it off. Diets don't help you keep the weight off or teach Dae healthy eating habits. We love to cook, are good at it and with the internet available to us, there is no excuse to buy the junk pre packaged, unhealthy food. We are going to eat more fruit/veggies/good meats and less junk/candy/fast food.

Aaron works tonight, but when he gets off, we are going to spend the start of the year together with our baby boy. There are lots of old wives tales about NYE, but the one that I believe true is that family needs to be together.

Happy New Year!!!! Bring it on 2012!!!!

This Time Last Year

This time last year, we were broke, stressed out and planning to move to McAllen. We were unhappy, angry, bitter, fighting a lot and just all around negative. January 2011 was the first month of the hardest months of my life. Months that I once wished had never happened, but now, I am stronger, more confident and in a better place because of them. I don't believe in regret, everything happens for a reason and every bad spot is a learning experience.

This time last year, I was so angry. I'm not even sure why I was so angry or how I let myself get that way but I was this little ball of constant anger. I was letting others get to me, comparing myself with people who don't matter (not anyone I know personally, no one take offense) and just feeling like shit ALL THE TIME.

This time last year, we were so broke, we had to borrow money just to get the boys something for Christmas. How embarrassing.

This time last year, we were in Dallas, TX with my brother and sister in law. Now that was fun times, I love being with my sister in law, she's such a sweet, genuine soul, I'm truly blessed to have her in my life. That was the first time I made a long drive alone with Dae. We did great, was it a glimpse to the year to come? Where I would be doing more and more things myself that I did not know I was capable of?

This year, we're not rich, but we're not broke. Stress is being managed and not really an issue and while we are still planning to move, we're only going 20minutes away, not 4hours. We are happy, in love, healthy and while we argue at times, it is far from the fights we were having. Everything is positive. Positive thinking, recognizing the bad parts but making a point to find the positive in every situation. We are much stronger as individuals and more importantly, as a couple. We are finally one unit.

This year, I'm happy, that intense anger I was feeling is almost nonexistent. I am now able to handle stressful situations and not get angry, I'm done comparing myself to anyone or doing things because others are doing them. I do what I want, what is best for my marriage and for my son and I don't give a damn what others think about it. Told you, I got me some confidence

This year, we both have jobs. Aaron is working at Logan's Roadhouse (the one off jones maltsburger and 410 GO SEE HIM! *whisper* and leave a big tip lol) and I'm a workstudy on campus. They aren't the best jobs, but they are something and they are what is gonna get us into our own apartment.

This year, we're planning our move, planning our future and living and loving life.

2010-2011 had some rough spots but I learned so much about myself and my strength, I wouldn't change it. This year is going to be different, I know this because WE are different. Relationship wise, we can now talk things out, deal with stress much better and I can FEEL the love, I KNOW he loves me and he KNOWS I love him. Much different then this time last year.

I can't wait to be in our little apartment with my little family.

Christmas Season

So this is Christmas...I'm really not looking forward to Christmas this year. It just feels all wrong, Aaron and I are still living apart (hopefully that is fixed in the next couple weeks), we haven't seen or talked to Zain in months and won't see him for Christmas and the weather is just funky. Plus I am sick so all I want to do is lay in bed. We didn't bake cookies this year, which is the first year we've ever skipped...things just don't feel right.

We had Christmas at my dads last night, I had a great time watching the boys play and Dae had a blast with Grandpa Claus. Such good family times, and even then I don't have any Christmas spirit.

Bah Humbug.

Tis the Season

Christmas time is here, and of course, that means that the majority of people are acting like damn fools. I don't understand what causes people to act so differently at this time of the year, aside from the weather, nothing changes!

Christmas is supposed to be about family and having fun. Not shopping, spending money you don't have or trying to get your kids the "best" gift. I often see things like "boo, still have tons of Christmas shopping left..." or "I can't wait to be done shopping for the kids!" and all I think is "wow, really?" If you don't want to shop or can't afford it, then STOP. It's a simple concept, don't go into debt to impress others with what you bought, no one cares. If buying gifts is bothersome, then just don't buy any. I have never tried to buy a ton of things for the kids, this year, I bought Dae 5 gifts and spent less then $70.

People are also so terrible to cashiers or other employees and I wonder what they would do if someone talked to their son or daughter that way. I'm not saying I'm perfect, I have had my moments where I am upset with an employee, but never in the manner I have seen, where they are being berated over something they have absolutely no control over. What good does that do? The person screaming at the employee still gets nothing and the employee has to try and not punch the person. It makes no sense to me, I don't think I will ever understand it.

I can't control other people, but I sure can teach my son that this time of year is meant to be spent together, making memories and traditions. Not for fighting, causing drama or trying to "out do" anyone else. My dream is for my son to grow up and realize that it didn't matter what gifts were under the tree, his family was together, happy and had fun.

FUN!

We had such a fun weekend, didn't really do anything special, but we got to do things together as a family which was the best part. We had pizza night Friday night and just hung out, played and Aaron and I were able to put Dae to bed together. It was so nice!! I look forward to that being our regular routine!

Later that night, my aunt called us and our giant inflatable snowman that we had just put up had been stolen! Luckily, my cousin happened to be getting home at the same time and she saw the thieves and was able to ID them so after a couple of hours, our snowman was returned to us...of course, now I don't wanna put him back up. I might put him up in the backyard for Dae to play with, he loved his snowman so much!

Saturday night, we got to go to dinner at Logan's Roadhouse, which is where Aaron is now a server. It was a free dinner and oh man, it was yummy! Aaron had the prime rib and I had steak and shrimp, even Dae got to have some steak tips. We also sampled some yummy roadhouse teas, their signature drink. They gave us a check (it was part of the training event) and our dinner was $60!!! That's a lot to us and we laughed about how we had date night for the month.

Things are so nice right now, Aaron and I are doing so great and able to talk things out, it's stressful right now but I know we will get through the rough spots. It's amazing what a difference it makes when you are on the same page and a real team. I am loving my marriage right now and I can't wait for us to live on our own.

The only stress is finding that place of our own...so many apartments are just not in our budget right now, with me going to school, but I really don't want to quit going to school, I just started again. I have some low income places to look into and hopefully we will find the right place for our little family.

OH! I almost forgot! I got my final grades, I got 2 A's and 2 B's!!! WOOT! One semester down, 4 to go LOL

Now What???

Alright, so I do the work study thing here on campus but I'm really not sure what is going on with it. It's extremely unorganized, chaotic and a waste of time. I stay here because its very easy and while the pay isn't much, the schedule is great.

I'm just so ready for things to go in our favor, being apart from Aaron is so hard, we barely get to see each other and when we do, it just doesn't seem like its enough time. I hate having to go pick him up or take him home or leave him...its just not the life I want right now. I want my whole family together!! I want family dinner, I want snuggles while we watch TV, I want to go to sleep and wake up next to my husband. I don't see why things have to be so damn difficult for us!

Things really should be looking up, with Aaron's new job, he has potential to really make some money and we are looking into apartments that hopefully will accept us and be affordable. I'm trying to stay positive but it can be so hard.

Oh HELL no!

So, I'm sitting here at Starbucks and have been sipping my coffee for the past hour or so. Anyway, some girls walk in and look around and all the seats/tables are taken so they turn to me and say (with attitude) "Can you move so we can sit here?" so I ask "Is there another seat somewhere?" and they say "well not inside, you'd have to sit outside" mind you, it's freezing cold (by Texas standards) and I don't wanna! So I say calmly " I don't want to sit outside." and they didn't get it!!! They still stood over me like I was going to get up! Such bizarre behavior! They looked super young, so maybe they are 1st year college students and still have that senior in high school mentality where they think they rule the world and everyone must obey them. Too bad that doesn't apply in the real world sweethearts! I often think that high school should teach actual real world life skills. Things like, going to work isn't like going to school, you can't just skip days here and there and not expect consequences. Life isn't fair, everyone doesn't win and no one really cares how you feel. Your boss won't care if you aren't feeling well, they just want you to do your job. No one is going to help you, you need to be self reliant, confident but not cocky and resourceful. These are all things I've had to learn the hard way because they weren't taught to me. I've learned more through experiences and life lessons then I ever did in high school and I wonder if by the time Dae gets to high school, what is he going to learn?

Thinking Out Loud

I often wonder if this is really how my life is supposed to be...this isn't exactly the life I had planned out. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret any choices I've made or things I've done...I just never thought this is where my life would be at 25.

This also isn't how I thought my family would be. I never thought that instead of being at home with Dae I'd be gone all day and home in the very short evening and weekend hours. That hardly seems fair to both him and me, yet, what choice do I have? I have to go to school to get a good job since I don't have the luxury of staying home and relying on one income. I didn't ever think that my family would be separated, and struggle this much. When can I catch a break? When can I live the life I dreamt?

posted from Bloggeroid

It Will Rain-Bruno Mars

I freaking love this song. It makes my eyes water when I hear it and it SPEAKS to me. The only thing I don't like about this song, I heard its from the Twilight movie. I freaking hate Twilight. All of that aside though, it's a great song and would make a great vow-renewal song later on. <3

It Will Rain

If you ever leave me, baby,
Leave some morphine at my door
Cause it would take a whole lot of medication
To realize what we used to have,
We don't have it anymore.


There's no religion that could save me
No matter how long my knees are on the floor, oh<
So keep in mind all the sacrifices I'm making
Will keep you by my side
Will keep you from walking out the door.


Cause there'll be no sunlight
if I lose you, baby
There'll be no clear skies
if I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds,
my eyes will do the same if you walk away
Everyday, it will rain,
rain, rain


I'll never be your mother's favorite
Your daddy can't even look me in the eye
Oooh if I was in their shoes, I'd be doing the same thing
Saying there goes my little girl
walking with that troublesome guy
But they're just afraid of something they can't understand
Oooh well little darling watch me change their minds
Yea for you I'll try, I'll try, I'll try<
I'll pick up these broken pieces 'til I'm bleeding
If that'll make you mine


Cause there'll be no sunlight
if I lose you, baby
There'll be no clear skies
if I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds,
my eyes will do the same if you walk away
Everyday, it will rain,
rain, rain


Ooooh Don't you say
goodbye, don't just say, goodbye
I'll pick up these broken pieces 'til I'm bleeding
If that'll make it right


Cause there'll be no sunlight
if I lose you, baby
There'll be no clear skies
if I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds,
my eyes will do the same if you walk away
Everyday, it will rain,
rain, rain...

30 Days of Thanks: November 15th, 2011

Today I'm thankful for my job. Sure it's just a part time gig and pays minimum wage, but there are people who don't have a job at all and I am lucky enough to have one with flexible hours, and where it's not hard or stressful.

I'm sooooooo

FRUSTRATED! ANNOYED! AGGRAVATED!

When is it going to be my chance? When are things finally going to go my way? Or at least lean in my favor? I feel like I am never going to get my break in life, that I'm always going to be treading water.

It's so hard to stay positive all the time, when things seem like they will never change, they will never get better no matter how hard you try, something will bring you down. How do you keep thinking positively after that?

Don't I deserve to be happy? Don't I deserve to not have to struggle for everything. Can't things just go my way once? I can't understand how things never get better, I try my hardest at everything I do, I do everything the right way and nothing ever gets any better. It makes me wonder why do I even try?

What's the point of trying if nothing will ever change, if things will never look up, get better or improve, why am I busting my ass? If I manage to finish school, will that really help? Or will I still struggle in all aspects of my life?

30 Days of Thanks: November 14th, 2011

Today I'm thankful that the girl I work with got the hint and stopped talking to me. She's annoying and I dislike her highly.

30 Days of Thanks: November 13, 2011

Today I'm thankful that I don't have to worry or stress over having food for my family. I know that no matter what, we can eat. Millions of families don't have that luxury.

30 Day of Thanks: November 12, 2011

I'm thankful for my mother in law. Sure, she drives me nuts sometimes, but she really does try to help us out. She watched Dae for us today so Aaron and I could spend some much needed time together.

30 Days of Thanks: November 11, 2011

Today is Veteran's Day and I'm thankful to every person who has served in the military and for their wives and kids who sacrifice things we take for granted to support their serviceman/woman.

30 Days of Thanks: November 10, 2011

Today I'm thankful for coffee. It was a rough day and a nice cup of coffee really helped me get through the day.

30 Days of Thanks: November 9, 2011

Today I'm thankful for cooler weather. It's been too hot for too long and even though it likely won't last, the cooler weather is a relief. I love it.

30 Days of Thanks: November 7,2011 & November 8th, 2011

damn. I totally messed up on this 30 days of thanks thing. So I'm gonna do two in one entry and then todays in another. I know, no one is reading this, so no one cares. LOL

November 7, 2011
-Today I'm thankful that my son is well behaved in restaurants. He sits still, doesn't scream and eats his food, often better then he does at home. It really makes me proud when people stop by and compliment us, even when they say "I had no idea a child was here, he is SO good". yay!

November 8, 2011
-Today I'm thankful for date night!! It was so overlooked in the past and now Aaron and I have made it a point to get out of the house, alone, and do something fun. Not stressing over the money spent is most important.

30 Days of Thanks: November 6th, 2011

Today I'm thankful for the guys in my life. My husband Aaron who is my bestfriend and protector. Also my cousin who's always down to help us out when we're in a bind.

posted from Bloggeroid

Ugh...this may not make any sense...you've been warned.

Ever get to a point in your life where it seems that everyone around you has what you want? Not only do they have what you want, they are unhappy about it, or consider it a burden. Something that you want so bad you can feel it in your soul, it consumes your every thought, and yet for you, is unattainable. Whether at this time or place in life or whatever the case may be, it goes back to childhood where they have what you want. *stomp feet*

It's hard to be happy for people when you are slightly jealous of them. Jealousy is an asshole you know. It makes common, everyday things feel like they are never enough, or not good enough. It's hard to fake it till you make it but that's my motto 24/7 right now.

Only, I'm tired of faking it and you know what? It's not making it. I want things to go right for once, I want the choices I make to finally show that they are the right ones. I don't doubt my choices, and I have faith things will go the way they're meant to be but some kind of sign that I'm doing the right thing would be nice. I don't feel like I'm 25, I feel much older, much more stressed out and much less happy.

I feel like my wings are clipped, like I'm trying to please everyone and it is just backfiring and I'm ending up falling and who is there to catch me? I know one person who will be there and he's my entire world...it just sucks that in order for me to be happy, I will be making others unhappy.

30 Days of Thanks: November 5th, 2011

Today I'm thankful for Nick Jr and Disney Jr. I know, it sounds kinda weird to be thankful for television but these two channels have really been helpful to Dae. Some of the shows amuse me and the things he picks up from the shows is great too. He doesn't watch it often, but when he does, I love to watch him interact with the shows, its just too funny.

30 Days of Thanks: November 4th, 2011

Today I'm thankful for my friends who are always here for me, tell me the honest truth and support me through anything. I hope I am as good a friend as you are to me. I love you all.

30 Days of Thanks: November 3rd, 2011

Today I'm thankful for Dae! I may be a bit biased, but I think he is the coolest 2 year old around and everyday he learns something new. I'm thankful he's happy, healthy and he's the sweetest little monster anyone could ask for.

Love you!

30 Days of Thanks: November 2nd, 2011

Today I am thankful for my mom. She supports me in my life decisons even ones she doesn't completly agree with and most importantly, she watches Dae so that I can go to school and not have to put him in daycare. The bond they have is amazing, I have to admit, I am a bit jealous, but I love that he will have these memories with her. I'm also thankful that I have reached the point in my life where she is a mentor to me and not just my mom.

Thanks Ma.

posted from Bloggeroid

30 Days of Thanks: November 1st, 2011

Today I am thankful that I have the oppurtunity to go back to school and to do it without getting into massive amounts of debt. (For now lol)

Not many people get the chance to go to school at all and for me to be able to go and have it paid for and have a work study job that provides extra cash is wonderful. I am thankful that I have this chance and can't wait to have my degree!

posted from Bloggeroid

30 Days of Thanks

Ok, I've seen lots of friends doing this on facebook, but I have been neglecting my blog so instead of making status updates, I am doing mine here.

The concept is: to state what you are thankful for during the month of November (Thanksgiving duh). So since I have already missed yesterday, I will be doing 2 blog posts today. Plus this one so I guess that's 3 for today. Lol

posted from Bloggeroid

It's complicated...

Yup, that's my status. Funny how once you post online, it really becomes real. I've told my parents and dear friends that Aaron and I are working things out for real this time. I am the happiest I have been in a while, I know this is going to work out.

We have been going to counseling, WOW, it's amazing how different that makes things. Finally, we can talk about important things, our past and not fight, get angry, its like we are learning how to be married. I honestly wish we had done counseling sooner. Perhaps we could have avoided this whole thing. Although, maybe we were meant to go through this whole incredible ordeal because it was meant to make us stronger as individuals and most importantly as a couple.

Dae is going to have his parents together, better then ever and we are going to rule our world.

LOVE IT.

Looking Up!

Today was our first couples counseling session. I just want to say, I am REALLY happy with the way things went. I like our counselor, he's a student working on his graduate level stuff and we met his supervisor/professor, he's amazing.

He came in and had been watching us on video and noticed by the way we were sitting how we feel about each other, we discussed why we wanted to go to counseling and the history of our relationship/marriage. The counselor said we were a great couple, that things look so positive and workable. He said I was strong and powerful (wish he had said I had super powers but that's ok) and that aaron has strength and that we need each other to work

There was a ton of other stuff, we talked about some heavy things, it was INTENSE at some points, just the raw emotion, the truth, the love. POWERFUL and AMAZING.

I am so freaking happy, in love, hopeful...loving life right now. I can't wait to see what the future holds for my family.

Kicked Into Gear

ugh! I hate when I let thoughts and ideas of other people negatively affect me. I feel like I am letting them control me, well, in a way I am. What are you supposed to do when your happiness could cause others to be upset with you, or worst case scenario, stop speaking to you altogether?

I know things with me and Aaron aren't perfect, haven't been and we need a lot of work, but what if, just what if, we are meant to be and are going to work out. That's where these issues come into play, because I have people on my end, like my parents who I'm about 95% sure will be angry with me for going back to Aaron. My mom will be more supportive (I think) then my dad, my dad keeps asking when the divorce will be finalized. I'm so torn with being upset over the fact that he will be angry with me, that it causes me to slow down and wonder what would happen in the future. How would he treat Aaron at Christmas? How would he treat him down the line? Would things be awkward? Would Aaron feel comfortable?

The real question is, why do I care so much? Why does the happiness of someone else matter so much more then my own happiness? I am determined to make this work, and if that means I step on some toes in the process and upset some people, well then so be it.

I need to also get more focused on school, my dad has been really discouraging, telling me to just quit and work, but I don't want to do that. I don't want to work a dead end job for the rest of my life. I want to love what I do and do what I love. I'm going to see where things are in November/early December and decide from there what my next step will be.

I WILL BE HAPPY DAMNIT. and sorry to say it, but if you don't like how I choose to be happy, keep it to yourself or be prepared for me to distance myself away.

Holding My Breath

People always say "don't hold your breath" or "I'm not holding my breath"...what does that really mean? I take it to mean, I want a certain thing to happen but, chances are, it won't so I'm trying not to care...well that's kind of stupid. I mean, if you don't care, then of course you won't hold your breath waiting for it to happen.

This past few weeks have been really interesting/confusing/emotional but I have been happy through it all. I think we are on our path to maybe working things out with Aaron. He admitted wrong to all the things he's done and I know he is sincere this time. I want things to work, he wants them to work, now, and this is where the breath holding comes in, he has to show it.

Talk is cheap, if he wants me to risk upsetting my family intensely, then he needs to prove it. He knows he needs to prove it, and that I'm not waiting forever, so it's all up to him now.

I do have some reservations, I worry so much about what my family will do or say about it. Will they support me? Will they disown me? Will everything still be ok? The only thing I do know, is that when the 3 of us are together, everything is right with the world for that moment. My son is happy, I am happy and that's what matters right?

I am so glad that I have this blog to throw my random thoughts out, I don't know who or shoot, if anyone reads it, I don't really care, I just need this outlet to get all my thoughts out without being judged by anyone.

I can't handle being judged anymore. I just want to do what makes me happy and what makes Dae happy and I don't need any bullshit. If I get hurt again, it will be all on me and I won't go crying to anyone...but, I don't think I'm going to be hurt again.

one liner

*sigh* I have so many things to say, but not the words or the time...so is life.

Blogging on the Bus

Decided to finally use my blogger app and blog on the go. I wanted to tell the world about this stupid guy who rides the bus...I'm sure he's a nice guy but the way he wears his hat just makes me think otherwise. It's just barely sitting on top of his head, and backwards...kind of like...ugh I wish I could take a picture. Its not even on top of his head, its just sitting on the back of his head like those caps Jewish men/boys wear...except this is a Cincinnati Reds cap lol anyway, he looks foolish and everytime I see him I want to ask if he thinks he looks cool or doesn't know how to buy hats.

Ok, enough picking on that kid lol

Today Aaron comes back from McAllen and will be bringing "my" car to me. I'm pretty excited, its not the best car, but its free. Who can argue with free? Not me.

I'm still all over the place with him...most days I can see all the hurt he's put me through, the carelessness, the fact he won't grow up...but then...every once in a while, I think, well, maybe he can change. Maybe this time will be different, maybe things will work out. Maybe, just maybe, he realizes he can't live without me and he will do anything to make it up to me. I've tried to talk myself out of these feelings, but I just can't. I never, ever wanted my marriage to end, I always said that no matter what he did (aside from putting hands on me/dae) that I would make it work. I just don't know what he is thinking/feeling and I could be setting myself up for a huge letdown.

Only time will tell.

posted from Bloggeroid

One Week Later...

Gah, how emotional was last week? Crazy. I still have a lot of those feelings, this week has been really stressful emotionally/energy wise...there is a lot of thinking I have been doing and a whole lot of feeling...I am even more confused now then I was back in January.

I feel like back in May when things just got so shitty, I was filled with some kind of frantic energy. It was like I was clawing my way out of a hole and now...I am just too damn tired to climb anymore. I'm still feeling beaten down, exhausted, physically and emotionally. Still feeling lost, scared and alone.

Things will get better, I know they will, they have to...nothing can be worse then these feelings right now. Nothing can be any worse then this shit. I am hoping that what I feel in my heart is meant to be and one day it will sync with what my brain is telling me.

Right now, my brain is in charge, the heart is just too...unpredictable and sensitive.

Adele and Lil Wayne

Not a likely combination, but the last two blogs I just posted, the songs by Adele and Lil Wayne are the two songs that I have on repeat almost all day. They just seem to speak to me, to reach out and touch me.

I've been feeling really shitty this week...some say this is part of the "grieving" process, anger, frustration, jealousy...I don't know how to describe my feelings which is odd because 99% of the time I know exactly what emotion I am feeling at any point in time.

I just want to know what he is thinking. Is he as upset as I am, does he think about me as much as I think of him? I hate how much I think about him, I wish I could just erase him from my mind. I find myself thinking of him while I'm waiting for the bus, walking around campus, eating alone...I am really in a love/hate relationship with myself right now. All that confidence I had, I don't know where it went. I walk through campus and I feel empty. All I can remember is being there with him, how we sat in the cyber cafe and watched anime, or how he would walk me to class and then I'd go and wait for him outside of his class. I find myself aching from loneliness as I walk through campus. Most days I just want to leave and never come back, if I didn't have Dae, waiting for me at home, I'm not sure where I would be right now.

I haven't wanted to say it, but I can't hide it anymore. I hurt. Everything hurts, nothing is fun anymore, I feel like an empty shell just going through the day to day motions. I can't wait for the day to be over so I can go to sleep and pretend like things won't suck when I wake up. I don't know what to do about this, I can't let it consume me this way, but I have never been in this situation before and I have no idea how to handle it. I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do, I don't know anything.

I thought I was happy, yeah we had our moments, but I thought that was normal marriage stuff and everything would work out. There were so many promises made and broken, as if they had been made with no intent to keep them in the first place. I supported him, defended him, stood by him and then BOOM. I get left behind like nothing. Why couldn't things have happened earlier? Why did I have to be blindsided by him? How can I ever trust someone again? How do I know that the next guy won't just make promises he has no intention on keeping. How am I supposed to trust someone with the most precious part of me ever again? I gave my heart and soul to him and he just played with it and then threw it away with no remorse, no apology. That is the deepest hurt I have ever felt.

I wish my sister were here right now. I HATE that she's in Heaven when I need her here with me. It's been 5years since she passed and everyday I just want to pick up my phone and call her. See what she's doing, how her day was, see if she wants to do something and I can't. It breaks my heart to see sisters who don't get along, my sister was my first best friend, she hung the moon to me, she was the one person I told everything too and I need her so much right now. She was stolen from me and I want her back.

All I know, is that I am lonely as hell and I hate it. I hate everything, the only light in my life is Dae and I know I need to be strong for him, but damn, I'm not sure how long I can play this game. Fake it till you make it is my motto right now but I really don't think I can fake it for long. This must be why people jump into relationships so quickly, what's the word? rebound. yeah, but I can't even have that because I don't even want to talk to anyone and the idea of "dating" someone makes me sick to my stomach.

I'm afraid I am going to be alone forever, that I will never find anyone who loves me or is good enough for Dae. How can I be with someone when I have a child? I don't know how that works or if I can handle that or if anyone even wants to be with someone like me. I just feel so shitty about myself, I don't know how to change the way I think/feel.

ugh.

How to Love-Lil Wayne

[Intro - Lil Wayne]
Cut the music up
A lil’ louder
Yeah

[Chorus - Lil Wayne]
You had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love, how to love
You had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in the corner tryna put it together
How to love, how to love

[Hook - Lil Wayne]
For a second you were here, now you over there
It’s hard not to stare, the way you moving your body
Like you never had a love, never had love

[Verse 1 - Lil Wayne]
When you was just a young’un, your looks were so precious
But now your grown up, so fly it’s like a blessing
But you can’t have a man look at you for 5 seconds
Without you being insecure
You never credit yourself so when you got older
It’s seems like you came back 10 times over
Now you’re sitting here in this damn corner
Looking through all your thoughts and looking over your shoulder

[Chorus - Lil Wayne]
See you had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love, how to love
See you had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in this corner tryna put it together
How to love, how to love

[Hook - Lil Wayne]
For a second you were here, now you over there
It’s hard not to stare, the way you moving your body
Like you never had a love, had a love

[Verse 2 - Lil Wayne]
Ooohh, you had a lot of dreams that transform to visions
The fact that you saw the world affected all your decisions
But it wasn’t your fault, wasn’t in your intentions
To be the one here talking to me, be the one listening
But I admire your poppin’ bottles and dippin’
Just as much as you admire bartending and strippin’
Baby, so don’t be mad, nobody else trippin’
You see a lot of crooks and the crooks still crook

[Chorus - Lil Wayne]
You see you had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love, how to love
See you had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in this corner tryna put it together
How to love, how to love

[Verse 3 - Lil Wayne]
Ooohh, see I just want you to know
That you deserve the best
You’re beautiful
You’re beautiful
Yeahh
And I want you to know
You’re far from the usual
Far from the usual

[Chorus - Lil Wayne]
You see you had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love, how to love
See you had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in this corner tryna put it together
How to love, how to love
See you had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love, how to love
Yeahh, see you had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in this corner tryna put it together
How to love, how to love

Someone Like You-Adele

I heard
That you're settled down
That you
Found a girl
And you're
Married now

I heard
That your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things
I didn't give to you

Old friend
Why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back
Or hide from the light

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
"I'll remember", you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead.
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead,
Yeah.

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday
It was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise
Of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
"I'll remember", you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead.

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known
How bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Don't forget me, I beg
"I'll remember", you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
"I'll remember", you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead.

Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead. 

Changes

My Britt is leaving on Wednesday. I'm so sad because I am going to miss her and Mikey, but I'm also happy for her because hopefully, things will be better for her. It's a scary thing, to have to move, makes me remember how nervous/excited/anxious I was when we were supposed to move to the valley. I often wonder if Aaron never intended for us to move with him, when I think back, he never helped me pack, and then when I find out that stupid whore friend of his mom's told him he should go to the valley alone.

I pretty much blame her for this, well, of course I blame Aaron but if she hadn't opened her big ass mouth and gotten in business where she wasn't wanted, maybe we could have made things work. I can't help but wonder if this is really how my life is supposed to be, if I am going to be alone for a while, if I will ever find love again.

I'm just hitting the point where I'm angry. I'm angry that he did this to us, that I'm having to raise our son alone, that was not the plan, I never wanted to be a single parent, we we're supposed to do everything together. I kept my end of the deal, I supported him, I didn't cheat on him, I loved him with my entire being and what do I get in return? I can't even get him to buy some mother freaking diapers. Hell, I can't even let him be alone with our son! Who did I piss off to deserve this? I know that I have accomplished some things alone, and yes, I was proud of myself for that, but I still feel an incredible sadness that I have no one to share that with. I want that special someone to share things with and as terrible as it sounds, I don't think I will ever have that because I don't think there will ever be someone good enough to be around Dae and me.

Math for Dummies

My math class is so impossibly simple, yet, I find myself super lost most days. Mostly, its because my Professor is so random, she goes from talking about math, then pulls her keys out of her pocket and says "whoa, I forgot my main key at home" yeah, true story. It just happened this second.

We're supposed to have a test and when you combine the miscommunication with the randomness...I can only hope that all my studying will pay off. Don't get me wrong, its simple stuff, things that 3rd-4th graders are learning right now. I dunno why math is so hard for me, I often think its a mental block that I have set up for myself, trying to break that is like breaking through a brick wall. It can be extremely frustrating, knowing that come test time, things will get all jumbled up in my head and I won't be able to remember how to do anything.

Of course, maybe if I waited to blog AFTER class, instead of during :p

The other kids crack me up though, this guy is going to the restroom and she just stopped him! She said you can't leave her class! The poor guy he has to go potty and she's giving him such a hard time!

Bodum Pavina

<img src="http://img.bzzagent.com/image/bodum.jpg?Type=activity&Activity=7270090725&Campaign=7012228943&Uid=1214094&token=52ce683940166d711c76e0df3920bfa5" alt=""/>
Taking a break from my normal ramblings for a product review...I am a BzzAgent (bzzagent.com) and was sent these glasses from Bodum Pavina. They claim that they keep cold drinks cold without making your fingers cold or "sweating" all over everything. They are for both hot and cold drinks, so my fingers won't burn when I drink my morning coffee out of it.

I've been drinking this glass of water and the other cup that I had was leaving a ring all over my table. I suppose I could have gotten a coaster, but instead, I grabbed the Bodum cup and have been condensation free since. On top of it looking cool, it does what it says it does. I wish I had these in other sizes, the little booklet I had showed they make them in other sizes, totally worth looking into!



my fancy glass! It makes me feel classy too. Look for more review on this glass as I drink my coffee from it!

I Survived!!!!

I did it!! I made it through the first week of classes, rode the bus and didn't die or get attacked by zombies or explode. Yes, those were all fears of mine, don't judge me. I am really, really liking college this time around. I think 3rd time's a charm, finally.

I feel much more focused and serious about everything now, like I have finally grown up and my choices don't only impact me, but my son as well and I need to make the best choices because of that. He relies on me so much, that there is no way I can let him down now. Everything I do, I do for him and its got to be the best.

OMG some people just drive me nuts, reminding me why I am NOT ready to date. This guy, the one that I went out on ONE DATE with is acting like we are freaking meant to be together or some shit. He keeps texting me about stupid shit, wondering when we are going out again which is NEVER cause I'm not into that shit. Now he's texting me about the mother effing Cowboys game like I give a damn. I've ignored all the texts but that doesn't stop them...ugh. what.a.mess.

On the good side of things, my FIL is going to help me out! He is going to loan me a car while I'm in school and claims that he's going to send me money on the regular. I really am thankful that he's going to help me out while I'm in school, right now I need all the help I can get. Especially since I haven't heard back from SAC HR about the work study job. Which reminds me I need to call them and call the food stamps office and let them know I'm no longer working. Hmm lots of calls to make...I also need to get back down to the staff office of the attorney general and work on my divorce papers. I've been kind of putting that off. No real reason, just a sadness that comes with knowing and admitting that my marriage really is over.

Back to School!!!

Back to school, back to school, to prove that I am not a fool...LOL

It's school time again and OH BOY there is already a new group of random ass kids talking about stupid shit. LOVE IT. The kid next to me is SO SO desperately trying to bust some game on this girl, he's talking about how the place he lives is SO shitty, how he is SO anti social networking, he just has a facebook, twitter, google+ and high 5 (whatever that is)...ok guy...he also mentioned how stoned he was and how he was going to already skip class. It's the second freaking day of school. so stupid. love it.

Bahaha anyway, it's so weird to be going to school again though. Waking up early, riding the bus, walking to campus...let me tell you, I don't feel like a 25 year old single mom. I just feel 25. And you know what? I like it. Don't misunderstand, I love my son, he's my entire world and I love being a mother but this feeling that I get when I'm on campus, I can just walk and decide what I'm doing and where I'm going and it's just ME...its special, I love it. I know Dae is being taken care of at home, he's happy, playing, etc and I have the freedom to just be ME.

This is my chance to really find myself and really discover who I really am and what I want in life, love and anything and everything really. I see these happy couples everywhere on campus and can't help but to feel a twinge of jealousy...just two years ago, I was one of those couples...its amazing how different just a couple of years can make in someone's life. It's like two different lifetimes to me, such a world of difference.

It's Almost Time!!!!!!

I'm so excited!!!!! Just 4 more days of work and then I will be a FULL TIME COLLEGE STUDENT! I took today off to try and get some things handled at the court house, SAC and with child support but shoot, that just turned into a big mess. I ran around like a crazy person with the stupid court stuff and then was told I had the wrong forms but the "right" forms aren't even relevant to what we are doing...I think I am just going to revise the ones I have and submit them again. The new ones have like 6 pages of what is going to happen with the property/cars/money/assets...uhh we don't have that shit. The only thing we do have is the ps3 and the laptop and that has been divided since he left in January. I was thinking of putting in the armiore and the trundle bed as the property that we have so that his stupid ass mother is pretty much court ordered to replace it before taking it. She is the one acting so petty and stupid about this whole situation.

Blah, enough of that crap, onto more fun and interesting things...like I'm going on a TRIP!! Well, hoping/planning to go on a trip. There's going to be an event in galveston called Oni-Con, an amine/japanese pop culture type event. It sounds AWESOME!!! I hope I can save up the money to go, it is a long time to be away from Dae, but my mom is ok with watching Dae that time, and even thinking of taking a trip to the beach with him so we can spend some time there also. We'll have to see what happens, it would be awesome to be able to go to Con and spend time with Dae on the beach. Just have to wait and see what is going to happen, I'm so over planning things and being so anal about schedules and shit, I am trying to just live day by day.

Speaking of day by day, I want to be done with work already!!! I just want my financial aid so I can go shopping for my books and school stuff! I am such a nerd because I am looking so forward to buying books and notebooks and pens and other supplies LOL aaaaaaaand maybe I am looking forward to doing some clothes shopping too. I think I have enough summer stuff, I might get another couple pairs of shorts and some jeans/fall/winter type stuff because I have none of that type stuff and won't have money when that season hits, so I need to buy it now while I have the funds.

Life is looking up for me and I'm just hanging on for the ride!

All Alone...

I hate this feeling, I feel like I am the only single person in the world. Of course I know this isn't true, shoot I think my friends are split 50/50 between single/taken but as I sit here, watching TV, playing on facebook, I long to have a conversation with someone about love/life/pursuit of happiness...I hate that I feel like my best friend is gone, unreachable, almost like they've died.

He isn't the man I thought he was, he's not the guy that was my best friend, that I loved to be around, that could make my dreams come true, and yet, sometimes I wish he were still here. I don't feel like I will ever find the perfect guy because I don't think that person exists. I also don't think that person fits into my life...I don't know what I want in a guy, but I want someone who is real and who can take care of me. I am so full of emotion, I can't figure out what I am trying to say...ugh so frustrating.

I just think about things like, what if, some day I find my perfect man, and want to marry again...what would Dae think? Will he be mad? Will he wonder why I didn't stay married to his dad and wonder why I want to marry this other man? What if I have kids with this other guy? Will he be upset if I have another baby? He's already so jealous, but what if he wants to have a sibling?

I know these are such silly things to wonder about, but they are things that jump into my head and I have to get them out somewhere...

Blogging on the Floor

I am lying on the floor watching Alaska State Troopers playing with my new toy...my itty bitty laptop! It's so freaking cute, I'm trying to get used to it before school starts so I can be a pro lol I'm getting more and more excited to start classes!


I put in my two weeks on Friday, things went great, I am really going to miss transcom but this is going to be the best thing that could happen to me right now. I am so happy and life is so good, I feel like things are really going to go well.


I bought the stuff for Dae's party, all that is missing is his gift, portable dvd player, and I'm thinking of getting that at Big Lots cause its only $49 which is the cheapest I can find, and for a 2 year old, that's really all I am willing to spend since I can guarantee it won't be destroyed!

Queen of the Damned

I love this movie!!!! This movie came out before all that shit with Twilight came out and its one of my favorite movies. Actually the only vampire movie I love love love. I had forgotten about my Netflix account until recently, and now I am SO glad I have it back.

I don't get what the big deal was with the price hike, its easier to have streaming only, who needs the damn dvds? I sure don't.

ugh, I'm rambling, but I don't care, I'm exhausted tonight. Been pulling extra hours at work and now I'm finally starting to feel like I have a plan going on!!

I'm gonna share it! I'm planning to leave work on 8/19 since classes start on 8/22. That is 2 full paychecks away, so I am planning to work all the over time I possibly can and get as much money as I can and when I get the financial aid check, I want to put it in savings so that I have it for the rest of the semester. Now that I've actually signed up for the classes, I'm no longer worried that I am making the wrong decision. I know this is the right thing to do for me and Dae and because things are meant to be, they will work out. Things are going great for me, and they will continue to go well as long as I keep my head up. I'm so freaking excited to be getting back to campus and starting to feel 25 again.

Yes I'm a single mother, but I still want to feel young again...I want to have a good time and still do well by Dae and myself.

My goal is to take things one day at a time and not stress out so much.

Speaking of one day at a time, my little sister is thinking of moving back to her home state and I'm so bummed but happy for her at the same time. She's matured so much in such a short time, I know she can and will make the right choices for her and her son, I'm proud to call her my sister.

Enough for now, time to enjoy my movie.

Too Fast Too Furious...

wow...this friend of mine I've been talking to at work is moving WAY too fast for me. I'm not sure what I am supposed to do. I feel that I have made it blatantly obvious that I am in no way interested in him in a more serious way...ugh it's freaking bothering me so much!! I don't want to hurt his feelings, but he's older then me so of all people he should feel the same way...it is really bothering me that he won't just let things go the way they are meant to go and not try to push anything on me.

Then again, I don't know if I am going to be at work much longer, things are SO stressful right now! I hate to whine, but this is my blog so I'm going to whine on...I honestly hate having to make big decisions, one thing Aaron was good at was just taking chances and jumping head first into things...sure, sometimes things backfired, but half the fun was in taking chances...

I have too many things on my plate right now, well I feel like I do. I never wanted to be a single mother...selfish of me? Sure, but that's just the honest truth. I always wanted to be a wife/mother and have a partner by my side. I often wonder if I have found and lost my one true love. I don't feel like I am strong enough to be a single mother and go to school and work full time...I miss my baby so freaking much. I just want to lay in bed and cuddle him forever...or at least as long as he will allow me.

It breaks my heart when he calls my mom "mama". I know he doesn't really know, he calls almost everyone mama, it just stings a bit. I'm 10000000x thankful he's not in daycare though, that would just break my heart.

Can't I just flip a coin and let that make all the big scary decisions????

overtime...

Been working a lot of overtime, been thinking overtime, everything has been overtime.

I'm wondering if this Mr. Big is moving too fast for me, he seems to think that things are more then I am...I didn't think that I had "led" him on, I was open and honest and told him more then once that I was not looking for anything serious and for sure was not looking for any kind of commitment.

I might switch to the night shift at work, its from 1:30pm-10pm. I'm trying to weigh the pros and cons and figure out the best move for me and for Dae...either way I miss out on his life...I might need other opinions on this one...

Closing Time...

Closing time - time for you to go out, go out into the world.
Closing time - turn the lights up over every boy and every girl.
Closing time - one last call for alcohol, so finish your whiskey or beer.
Closing time - you don't have to go home but you can't stay here.

I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
Take me home...

Closing time - time for you to go back to the places you will be from.
Closing time - this room won't be open 'til your brothers or you sisters
come.
So gather up your jackets, and move it to the exits - I hope you have found
a
friend.
Closing time - every new beginning comes from some other beginning'send.

Yeah, I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
Take me home...

Closing time - time for you to go back to the places you will be from...

I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
Take me home...

Closing time - every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end...


---we have a song. It's from the movie we saw Saturday night, yes folks, I went out on a date. A real date, dinner, movie, drinks and home. Nothing more, nothing crazy, but it was the sweetest date I've ever been on. I didn't have to watch him get wasted, he was able to just sit and talk and not try to be all over me, what's the word? oh yeah, gentleman!

I really think I am starting to like this Guy...I just want to be divorced so I don't feel like I am doing something wrong. That really stops me from doing a lot, I feel like I am the one cheating on my marriage when it was long gone...ugh these things are so freaking hard...why is life so hard at 25??? I'm only 25 freaking years old and dealing with divorce/visitation...this is NOT how I pictured my life turning out, what did I do wrong? Where did I screw up?

So There's This Guy...

at work who's kinda into me and I might be kinda into him too...he's nice and kind and funny and doesn't drink or smoke pot or do anything shitty.

could it be too good to be true? maybe, which is why I'm not really going anywhere with this. Maybe a couple nights out and a whole lot of texts, but its really nice to just get to know someone again from the beginning.

There might be some drama in his backstory, and there's a ton in mine but I'm having fun right now and its been a long time since that's happened.

Is this what dating as a single mom is like?? How weird.

<----sucker!

Oh man, I never should have bought those pictures from Picture People. I am such a sucker, of course the pics came out wonderful and I joined the portrait club and am going back Friday to get more prints and maybe the CD. ugh I feel guilty buying those things because they are og so expensive, but on the other hand, Dae is only this age once and these pictures will last a life time and I will want them later.

Plus, my dad needs a picture, I'm thinking of getting the high quality cd for $75 and then printing the pics...yes its a lot of money but 1) I can afford it and 2) I can get them reprinted cheaper.

I need to stop stressing over money, things will always work out and money spent on my son is always worth it. Plus I need to start buying his supplies for his birthday too and the invites. I will need the high quality picture CD to do the invitations.

I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

S-U-C-C-E-S-S that's the way we spell success! I have done it. ALL of my tickets are paid off in full. I did it all alone, worked full time and worked my ass off to get it done. I am so stoked and proud of myself, I really feel like things are working out well for me and to know that I am the one who is doing this.

Yup, that's what I'm doing...everyday...just putting a big fake smile on, pretending I think I'm beautiful and going about my day. I often wonder if I will ever find love again, if I will ever allow myself to trust again, if I can ever just let go.

I don't think its really going to happen, I have too much built up, I've built my wall up pretty fast and its pretty strong.

I'm just so confused on how I feel about life and everything, on one hand, I feel so strong and successful, on the other hand, I feel so alone and depressed.

I just want to be loved for who I am and treated right, but I don't think that will ever happen.

The Little Things...

You know what's the most upsetting about this ordeal? Aaron is missing out on the littlest things in Dae's life that you can't get back. Like right now, Dae is playing with this little telescope, and he's lying on the floor, peering through it saying "yo ho!"...he does cute things like this all the time, the way he dances when he hears any kind of music, the way he gets excited about things, his 1st icee that he had yesterday (and loved! lol) all of these little things, he won't see and they aren't the same in video or being told about them...

I'm thankful I have this little boy in my life, he's my saving grace for sure. I don't know where I would be or what I would be doing if I didn't have him to focus on. He has no idea just how important his sheer presence is to his mama. I have never loved someone as much as I love Dae.

I was thinking about having other kids (in the DISTANT FUTURE!) and I'm wondering if I will ever have another child, or children, or if I will ever meet someone and love them and get married again. Right now I say that I never want to be married again, and part of me wonders if that is the hurt talking...I just start to think, how would Dae feel if I met another man and fell in love and brought him around? Would he understand that I'm not trying to replace his daddy in his life? Would he feel like I'm trying to replace him? Would he be angry? What if I married and had children with this fictitious person? How would that make Dae feel?

Why do I think of all these things??? I have no idea, they just pop in my head at random times and send me on a whirlwind...

Are You Lonesome Tonight?

Nights like tonight are the worst...I'm so lonely right now, I really wish I had someone to hang out with right now. I just want to pop some popcorn, watch a movie and cuddle up on the couch for the night.

I'm not wishing I had Aaron here, all he would be doing is playing video games or waiting to play video games...

The one person I'm really wishing was here is my sister. I've started to forget how her voice sounded, I would do anything to hear it again. I can't picture what she looks like in my head, I have to see a picture to remember. She was my 1st best friend and most days I feel lost without her, even though it doesn't feel like she's never coming back. Sometimes, I think of something I want to tell her, reach for my phone and get all the way to the "S" before I realize that she isn't in there, she isn't going to answer. I can't talk to her about my day, about my feelings, I can't hear her tell me how beautiful I am, or see her with Dae. She would love him so much, he would probably never "want" for anything because she would have it for him in an instant.

I feel like I betrayed her in her last months by not being there with her. It was too hard for me to see my strong hero in her condition...she never would have done that to me, I feel so much guilt for that. I don't regret it, for the record, I do not believe in having regret in anything. Everything, good or bad, happens for a reason and is meant to be learned from. I know she isn't mad at me, I know that she understands, she understood me better then I understand myself.

It's just so hard some days...

True Colors

Wow, sometimes when things happen in life, you really find out people's true colors. Aaron's mom is such a horses ass, she has been after the damned armiore and trundle bed since the second Aaron and I separated. Yet, she's too cowardly to come out and say that she's just doing it to be a bitch, or even call me on the phone to discuss it like adults. She does it through text message and then when I send replies to her she ignores them.

She didn't even ask me, that's what pisses me off the most, she pretty much just told me what she was doing. I don't mother fucking think so!!! I hate how petty and totally bitchy she is being during this whole thing. It's AARON'S FAULT we are getting divorced in the first place!!!! He's the one who ditched me on MY birthday and went on a drinking bender and screwed another chick and is now with that whore when we aren't even officially divorced yet. He's not doing one damned thing for Daemyen, he's not doing jack shit to try and see Zain, all he is doing is being fucking selfish and she's thinking he's the best fucking person in the world. I want to punch them both.

I am working so hard to make it alone, and to have her act this way and act like I am in the wrong is so frustrating and hurtful. I didn't do anything wrong in this marriage, I did everything I could on my part, he was the one who ruined it. I still haven't even talked to any men what so ever...can't say the same for him since he says he doesn't remember what he did that weekend but yet is with Misty again, like I don't remember that she was the chick he always had sex with...I bet he was talking and hooking up with lots of other girls since he never wanted to have sex with me but blames the lack of sex on me.

Gah, the more I think about him, the more I realize that I'm freaking stupid for not letting him go earlier. I do NOT regret anything, I don't believe in having regret, but I do think that I should not have turned my back on my family so many times...would have saved me a lot of embarrassment now.

Almost done!!!!!

I'm almost done paying off my tickets!!!!! I just have one left to go and I will be done paying it off on my Daddy's birthday, July 8th!!! I am SO VERY PROUD of myself, I have done this in just 3 short months, its amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it.

I'm also so very glad that I have a savings account now and that I am trying to save. It doesn't seem that it will cost me too much to reinstate my license, it actually seems cheaper then the tickets were! I'm crossing my fingers and praying that things will go smoothly for me and I can get my license quickly and easily.

Now starts the planning for Dae's 2nd birthday party...I want it to be awesome...so far all I have is that it's gonna be Toy Story 3 themed LOL

guilt

Why do I feel so guilty?? I am doing NOTHING wrong, yet I feel SO incredibly consumed with guilt that I could cry. All I am doing is what's the best for Dae and since Aaron isn't helping, I am doing all I can.

I'm selling the jogging stroller that his mom bought for Zain and gave to us for Dae. I feel SO bad about it, I want to tell him I am doing it, but for what? What is he going to do? He sure as hell isn't going to give me any money for it, or at all. I need a little help, yes I make a decent paycheck, but I am trying to pay off my tickets which leaves me a little (read: A LOT) short each pay period.

I hate how guilty I feel about it...it's NOT MY FAULT...I say that, I just don't believe it.

I HATE DRAMA!!!!

Ugh, Taquito (Aaron's ex girlfriend and the mother of his oldest) called Child Protective Services on Aaron trying to get his visits with Zain stopped but instead, all she did was screw herself over cause now she has to supervise visits. Her goal totally backfired and I can't help but laugh. She's such a dumb whore, I mean literally, she has 3 kids and 3 baby daddies and just keeps going.

Aaron came to see Dae again today and we had a little bbq for him and my mom got a card for him from Dae. The visit was ok, better then the last one, things just seem more friendly and not so stressful/awkward. That's both sad and good.

It's sad because that means that there aren't really anymore feelings towards him, but its good because Dae needs his parents to be friends and work together, not fight.

Only time will tell what is gonna come of all this, but I am stronger every day.

Enjoying my life

Things are great right now. Yeah my marriage is over and I'm going through a divorce and now have to consider child support and visitation. I was going to be nice about it, but now what's the point? I'm tired of trying to be the good guy when he doesn't care about us one bit.

You think he's really trying to get help for himself? NO. He's screwing around (literally) and still getting drunk, acting like he has no responsibilities in the world. Is he busting his ass to get a job and get his life in order? Nope. Just mooching off his parents and others like always.

I am doing GREAT for myself and Dae, I'm working full time making good money, paying off my tickets (2 down, 2 to go!) and soon will have my license back and a car of my very own. I'm also gonna be able to get Dae into daycare two days a week and will be paying for everything on my own. I have a savings account, I have cash on me at all times, something I NEVER had with Aaron. He always wanted to spend every last penny, of course mostly on himself.

One day I will meet my prince charming and be swept off my feet. maybe.

It's over, over . over.

I'm done with Aaron and far too emotional to type out the whole story again but he pretty much ended our marriage and any chance we could work things out. He went the night of my birthday after doing a shitty job of making me enchiladas for my birthday dinner and got wasted, didn't contact me the entire weekend and I found out that he may have slept with another girl.

I know I suspected it, but damn it hurts knowing that I was right. I turned his phone off and gave the line to Brittany, she's living with us right now and needs it more then he does. She found a job within the week of living here and is trying to get out on her own already. She is so independent, I am actually jealous of it. I will soon be that way too.

I'm concentrating on my life with Dae now, I haven't seen/talked to Aaron since that weekend and honestly I don't want to. I don't care to see him right now, he says he needs to "fix himself" and whatever, I'm tired of being there for him to support him and him treating me like shit.


This is my new life, and its just me and Dae and I'm going to spoil us rotten. I work hard and deserve good things and not to be taken advantage of. One day my Prince will come.

:/ err

Just got back from a date with Aaron. It was kind of a bummer, we just seemed so distant. We couldn't find anything to do and there was NO conversation :( It was nice to have dinner out and we went bowling which was a lot of fun, but even then it just seemed so weird. I was also kind of resentful that I had to pay for everything...same old shit with Aaron, no job...

I'm a little sad about it but actually more angry that he doesn't care enough to follow through on what he says. I am starting to feel used again and kinda glad that he and I aren't "together" right now.

One thing that really bothered me was that I asked to use his cellphone to text this code to see if we could get coupons and he was SO uncomfortable handing it to me that I know he's hiding something on there. That pretty much ruined my night and I think is what ruined his too because I couldn't help it, I kinda called him out on it. I said "it's ok, I'm not going to read your texts you don't need to hide them from me" and he just laughed but it was a nervous laugh like he was wondering how much I knew.

Oh well, I'm gonna try to just move on and not try so hard. If it is meant to be, he will change, if not then, I need to prepare to move on alone. Right now I am doing well for MYSELF without his help and it seems like he is just gonna keep doing the same old shit. I am going to do something good with my life and if he wants to get in gear he is welcome but I'm done supporting him.

Trying to stay strong,

What's going on?

Things are alright right now. I'm still working at Transcom, and got my first REAL payday May 13th! It felt SOOOO good to have that money in my account. I was able to pay bills and also start paying tickets off. I can't wait until I can get my license back.

I need a car SO SO SO bad. Having mom driving me to and from work and having to borrow Yolanda's car to go on dates SUCKS so much, I did not realize how not having a car is shitty.

Things with Aaron and I have slowed down a bit. Since I work from 10am-6:30pm Monday-Friday its pretty hard to get together with borrowing a car and having someone watch Dae. Yolanda is a bitch sometimes about the car but that's not a huge deal, its her decision anyway. Can't stop that.

Brittany is going to be moving in with us soon with baby Nate. I'm nervous how that is going to work out and how she is going to get a job and have child care. Things will be ok I think, she is a determined little girl so I know she isn't planning to use us, if anything, she just needs a stepping stone.


Life is good right now, I am happy and Dae is happy and healthy so what else could I want?

New job, date nights, total happiness.

So things have been going on since I last wrote, lets see:


Aaron and I have been going on dates. We've gone to see The Toadies in hemisphere park during Fiesta, it was AWESOME!!! We've just been hanging out a lot, talking and this past Friday night we went to see FAST FIVE and had a real date. It felt soooo good. Things just felt like they were going exactly like they need to. I loved that feeling. We haven't talked much about what's going to happen but right now we are both happy and that is what is important.

He still hasn't been able to get his clothes or car, so finding a job isn't easy for him now. I talked to him briefly about me getting an apartment and asked if he'd move in and he just got quiet. I am not sure what that means, but I hope that he isn't just messing with me, I hope that he wants to work things out. I do fear that he is enjoying the freedom too much and he will not want to work things out. I am also enjoying things, BUT on the other hand, since I have Dae all the time, I am feeling more pressure. I'm pretty mixed up right now to be honest.


I have a new job, working at Transcom answering phone calls for AARP. It's super easy and they say that there aren't any disgruntled members calling. It pays well and hopefully I can pay off my tickets and get my license and get a car/move out soon.

I'm excited to see what the future has in store for us, hopefully there will be nothing but good things but only time will tell.

Old School Days

Today Aaron and I hung out again. It was so nice, it felt like back in the day before we had Dae. We were affectionate but I held back a lot because I didn't want to push myself on him. I think maybe next time I will be a little more affectionate since that was his #1 problem.

I hope for many more days like this <3

Conversations in the Park

ok here goes:

we talked about EVERYTHING from the pretty f-ed up way our relationship started to now and we came to the conclusion that we are totally different people then we were back then and we felt like we "fell out of love" with each o...ther. Like we still love each other deeply but that romance/intimacy isn't really there and hasn't been for a while. So we figured we would start all over, clean slate we're not going to bring up shit that happened before today.

We plan to go on dates, we were gonna go see this band play Thursday but its Fiesta and the crowds are insane and neither one of us can stand crowds so we are going to go see Fast Five on the 29th.

We went and hung out with some old friends...it felt just like 2007 which we agreed was the best year of our lives. We're putting the child support/divorce on hold right now...not moving forward but not quite "back together"

 

our goal. We knew that there was no way we could just jump back into being a couple again, too many hurt feelings, so we figured this way we will know that if things don't work out we tried. Our #1 goal is to stay friends and start to communicate for Dae.

 

Having Faith,

ME 

Old Habits Die Hard...

Well he's back to his old stuff...went to a friend's house Friday afternoon and never went back to his moms and neither one of us have heard from him. WTF is he doing?? I wish we had talked things out so I would know if I need to heal and move on or if we are going to work it out.

I love him with everything I have, but I'm not going to be walked all over.

Homecoming...mixed emotions abound

We picked Aaron up today...there were tears, he looked so different...he's so sunburned and lost some weight. Dae took to him immediately, and I felt those nervous butterflies again. My stomach was in knots from the second I woke up until like 9am. It was so funny to be so nervous.

Aaron and I had a cigarette outside and I broke down and admitted how much I missed him and that I didn't want the divorce, I hope I didn't freak him out. He asked me if I wanted a hug and I said yes because I have been wanting a hug for so long. I just cried in his arms.

Then we went inside and had breakfast and then he took a shower and Yolanda took Dae to the store with her so Aaron and I could talk. We didn't talk because Aaron was so tired, he asked me for a massage and I gave him one because I wanted to. It was so nice, we just chatted.

Then we laid down and started to fall asleep and I rubbed his chest and he just held me in his arms. I didn't push him to do that, at first we laid apart, but he rolled over to me and grabbed me so I went with it. It felt so great to be back in his arms where I belonged. I could feel him getting a boner LMAO

We kissed and he said he missed me so much. I wanted to cry I felt so happy.

Yolanda and Dae came back and he said he was going to sleep some more, so Dae sat right next to him and watched cartoons then Yolanda and I went to the store for some stuff for lunch, we came back and had lunch, Aaron was awake by then, and we agreed to have our serious talk on Monday, after we had the weekend to think about everything.

He rode the bus home with me and Dae, he said he didn't want us to ride alone and I was thankful that he did. He got sick though and I felt SO bad because we had to get off the bus early because he had to use the restroom. It must have been a miserable ride for him, but I was so happy to just have him with us.

I keep praying things will work out. I love him so much.

He's coming home!

Aaron is coming home and I am both excited and nervous. I am hoping he wants to work things out like I do, but worried that he won't. I know where I went wrong, and I know that I am willing and GOING to change and not allow the things that I did wrong effect the relationship we have.

I have learned things like stressing about the bills is stupid. Either do something about it or let it happen. If the phone doesn't get paid, extend it and see what happens, if you still can't pay it OH WELL. In the end its really not important and definitely not worth obsessing over.

Another thing I learned, to take a time out and think before I speak. It's vital to not be so snarky and bitchy all the time because do it enough and people stop wanting to talk to you. I see this in my mother and it pisses me off, so why do I do it? I won't because if it annoys me, then it annoys everyone.

I know that I made a mistake in not having sex and being affectionate with Aaron. It was something he craved and of course, now that he's gone, I am craving it. I just want him to hold me and hug me and yes, I do want to have sex with him. I want to LOVE him and I know that I love him because I get those butterflies when I get a message from him, just like I used to.

Trust. Trust is vital and in order to start over, I know I am going to have to trust him and back off. Time apart with friends or even alone is important for both of us and when he goes off with his friends, I need to sit back and leave him alone just like I would want when I go out. I also need to go out, even if its alone, I need to get away.

We also need a date night. We need to re-connect on us and take time to focus on our relationship and I'm not talking about the mom/dad relationship...I mean the husband/wife/lovers relationship.

We also need to move out. Even if we move to a hotel, we move out.

I pray he feels the same way and is at least willing to give this marriage another chance.

Pinpointing things...

I've figured out one of the main issues that caused the downfall in my marriage. ME...

I didn't take time to focus on me and Aaron's relationship, I allowed myself to be severely controlling over Dae and by doing that, I basically pushed him away. What we should have been doing was taking time for each other.

Sure has bitten me in the ass now...I crave time alone with Dae and just want Aaron here. Now he's gone and I ruined everything.

I pray that we can work things out. I have Faith.

He made it!!!

So Aaron made it to El Centro, CA...he is almost there. My mom and I are at odds right now because I was going to send him $50 and she would not let me take her car or take me to the bank. I was very upset, but thankfully Yolanda came through and we went to the bank together.

We are becoming really close, me and Yolanda, she is actually more supportive of me and more willing to help with Dae then my own parents. She gave me some money, and I'm trying to get Dae to the zoo this week. She's also helping me find a part time job and willing to watch Dae.

I have a new goal...to have my license fixed by June. I pray I can get it done.

Have Faith...someone told me that and I used to abide by it...I don't know why I stopped but I am going to remember that and live by it again.

All mixed up

Today I wanted to break down. I really needed Aaron...Dae was a hot mess at a birthday party and I really could have used Aaron to calm him down and hold him. Sometimes I miss him SO much I just want to die.

Last I heard he was in Deming, NM. I'm so worried that he's not ok, or that he's hungry or whatever. I just want to know he's ok.

We went to McAllen yesterday to get his stuff and after a bunch of hassle, I got the ps3 but I think its missing a game. I didn't realize that until we left which sucks. While we were down there we stopped at San Juan to pray at the basicillica and I lit a candle for Aaron and actually prayed. I'm wearing the Saint charms, Saint Anne and Saint Christopher and I really feel that they will help us.

I am praying that things work out between us, I am not ready for my marriage to be over. I'd walk to the end of the earth for him, I just hope he knows that.