:/ err

Just got back from a date with Aaron. It was kind of a bummer, we just seemed so distant. We couldn't find anything to do and there was NO conversation :( It was nice to have dinner out and we went bowling which was a lot of fun, but even then it just seemed so weird. I was also kind of resentful that I had to pay for everything...same old shit with Aaron, no job...

I'm a little sad about it but actually more angry that he doesn't care enough to follow through on what he says. I am starting to feel used again and kinda glad that he and I aren't "together" right now.

One thing that really bothered me was that I asked to use his cellphone to text this code to see if we could get coupons and he was SO uncomfortable handing it to me that I know he's hiding something on there. That pretty much ruined my night and I think is what ruined his too because I couldn't help it, I kinda called him out on it. I said "it's ok, I'm not going to read your texts you don't need to hide them from me" and he just laughed but it was a nervous laugh like he was wondering how much I knew.

Oh well, I'm gonna try to just move on and not try so hard. If it is meant to be, he will change, if not then, I need to prepare to move on alone. Right now I am doing well for MYSELF without his help and it seems like he is just gonna keep doing the same old shit. I am going to do something good with my life and if he wants to get in gear he is welcome but I'm done supporting him.

Trying to stay strong,

What's going on?

Things are alright right now. I'm still working at Transcom, and got my first REAL payday May 13th! It felt SOOOO good to have that money in my account. I was able to pay bills and also start paying tickets off. I can't wait until I can get my license back.

I need a car SO SO SO bad. Having mom driving me to and from work and having to borrow Yolanda's car to go on dates SUCKS so much, I did not realize how not having a car is shitty.

Things with Aaron and I have slowed down a bit. Since I work from 10am-6:30pm Monday-Friday its pretty hard to get together with borrowing a car and having someone watch Dae. Yolanda is a bitch sometimes about the car but that's not a huge deal, its her decision anyway. Can't stop that.

Brittany is going to be moving in with us soon with baby Nate. I'm nervous how that is going to work out and how she is going to get a job and have child care. Things will be ok I think, she is a determined little girl so I know she isn't planning to use us, if anything, she just needs a stepping stone.


Life is good right now, I am happy and Dae is happy and healthy so what else could I want?

New job, date nights, total happiness.

So things have been going on since I last wrote, lets see:


Aaron and I have been going on dates. We've gone to see The Toadies in hemisphere park during Fiesta, it was AWESOME!!! We've just been hanging out a lot, talking and this past Friday night we went to see FAST FIVE and had a real date. It felt soooo good. Things just felt like they were going exactly like they need to. I loved that feeling. We haven't talked much about what's going to happen but right now we are both happy and that is what is important.

He still hasn't been able to get his clothes or car, so finding a job isn't easy for him now. I talked to him briefly about me getting an apartment and asked if he'd move in and he just got quiet. I am not sure what that means, but I hope that he isn't just messing with me, I hope that he wants to work things out. I do fear that he is enjoying the freedom too much and he will not want to work things out. I am also enjoying things, BUT on the other hand, since I have Dae all the time, I am feeling more pressure. I'm pretty mixed up right now to be honest.


I have a new job, working at Transcom answering phone calls for AARP. It's super easy and they say that there aren't any disgruntled members calling. It pays well and hopefully I can pay off my tickets and get my license and get a car/move out soon.

I'm excited to see what the future has in store for us, hopefully there will be nothing but good things but only time will tell.

Old School Days

Today Aaron and I hung out again. It was so nice, it felt like back in the day before we had Dae. We were affectionate but I held back a lot because I didn't want to push myself on him. I think maybe next time I will be a little more affectionate since that was his #1 problem.

I hope for many more days like this <3

Conversations in the Park

ok here goes:

we talked about EVERYTHING from the pretty f-ed up way our relationship started to now and we came to the conclusion that we are totally different people then we were back then and we felt like we "fell out of love" with each o...ther. Like we still love each other deeply but that romance/intimacy isn't really there and hasn't been for a while. So we figured we would start all over, clean slate we're not going to bring up shit that happened before today.

We plan to go on dates, we were gonna go see this band play Thursday but its Fiesta and the crowds are insane and neither one of us can stand crowds so we are going to go see Fast Five on the 29th.

We went and hung out with some old friends...it felt just like 2007 which we agreed was the best year of our lives. We're putting the child support/divorce on hold right now...not moving forward but not quite "back together"

 

our goal. We knew that there was no way we could just jump back into being a couple again, too many hurt feelings, so we figured this way we will know that if things don't work out we tried. Our #1 goal is to stay friends and start to communicate for Dae.

 

Having Faith,

ME 

Old Habits Die Hard...

Well he's back to his old stuff...went to a friend's house Friday afternoon and never went back to his moms and neither one of us have heard from him. WTF is he doing?? I wish we had talked things out so I would know if I need to heal and move on or if we are going to work it out.

I love him with everything I have, but I'm not going to be walked all over.

Homecoming...mixed emotions abound

We picked Aaron up today...there were tears, he looked so different...he's so sunburned and lost some weight. Dae took to him immediately, and I felt those nervous butterflies again. My stomach was in knots from the second I woke up until like 9am. It was so funny to be so nervous.

Aaron and I had a cigarette outside and I broke down and admitted how much I missed him and that I didn't want the divorce, I hope I didn't freak him out. He asked me if I wanted a hug and I said yes because I have been wanting a hug for so long. I just cried in his arms.

Then we went inside and had breakfast and then he took a shower and Yolanda took Dae to the store with her so Aaron and I could talk. We didn't talk because Aaron was so tired, he asked me for a massage and I gave him one because I wanted to. It was so nice, we just chatted.

Then we laid down and started to fall asleep and I rubbed his chest and he just held me in his arms. I didn't push him to do that, at first we laid apart, but he rolled over to me and grabbed me so I went with it. It felt so great to be back in his arms where I belonged. I could feel him getting a boner LMAO

We kissed and he said he missed me so much. I wanted to cry I felt so happy.

Yolanda and Dae came back and he said he was going to sleep some more, so Dae sat right next to him and watched cartoons then Yolanda and I went to the store for some stuff for lunch, we came back and had lunch, Aaron was awake by then, and we agreed to have our serious talk on Monday, after we had the weekend to think about everything.

He rode the bus home with me and Dae, he said he didn't want us to ride alone and I was thankful that he did. He got sick though and I felt SO bad because we had to get off the bus early because he had to use the restroom. It must have been a miserable ride for him, but I was so happy to just have him with us.

I keep praying things will work out. I love him so much.