overtime...

Been working a lot of overtime, been thinking overtime, everything has been overtime.

I'm wondering if this Mr. Big is moving too fast for me, he seems to think that things are more then I am...I didn't think that I had "led" him on, I was open and honest and told him more then once that I was not looking for anything serious and for sure was not looking for any kind of commitment.

I might switch to the night shift at work, its from 1:30pm-10pm. I'm trying to weigh the pros and cons and figure out the best move for me and for Dae...either way I miss out on his life...I might need other opinions on this one...

Closing Time...

Closing time - time for you to go out, go out into the world.
Closing time - turn the lights up over every boy and every girl.
Closing time - one last call for alcohol, so finish your whiskey or beer.
Closing time - you don't have to go home but you can't stay here.

I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
Take me home...

Closing time - time for you to go back to the places you will be from.
Closing time - this room won't be open 'til your brothers or you sisters
come.
So gather up your jackets, and move it to the exits - I hope you have found
a
friend.
Closing time - every new beginning comes from some other beginning'send.

Yeah, I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
Take me home...

Closing time - time for you to go back to the places you will be from...

I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
Take me home...

Closing time - every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end...


---we have a song. It's from the movie we saw Saturday night, yes folks, I went out on a date. A real date, dinner, movie, drinks and home. Nothing more, nothing crazy, but it was the sweetest date I've ever been on. I didn't have to watch him get wasted, he was able to just sit and talk and not try to be all over me, what's the word? oh yeah, gentleman!

I really think I am starting to like this Guy...I just want to be divorced so I don't feel like I am doing something wrong. That really stops me from doing a lot, I feel like I am the one cheating on my marriage when it was long gone...ugh these things are so freaking hard...why is life so hard at 25??? I'm only 25 freaking years old and dealing with divorce/visitation...this is NOT how I pictured my life turning out, what did I do wrong? Where did I screw up?

So There's This Guy...

at work who's kinda into me and I might be kinda into him too...he's nice and kind and funny and doesn't drink or smoke pot or do anything shitty.

could it be too good to be true? maybe, which is why I'm not really going anywhere with this. Maybe a couple nights out and a whole lot of texts, but its really nice to just get to know someone again from the beginning.

There might be some drama in his backstory, and there's a ton in mine but I'm having fun right now and its been a long time since that's happened.

Is this what dating as a single mom is like?? How weird.

<----sucker!

Oh man, I never should have bought those pictures from Picture People. I am such a sucker, of course the pics came out wonderful and I joined the portrait club and am going back Friday to get more prints and maybe the CD. ugh I feel guilty buying those things because they are og so expensive, but on the other hand, Dae is only this age once and these pictures will last a life time and I will want them later.

Plus, my dad needs a picture, I'm thinking of getting the high quality cd for $75 and then printing the pics...yes its a lot of money but 1) I can afford it and 2) I can get them reprinted cheaper.

I need to stop stressing over money, things will always work out and money spent on my son is always worth it. Plus I need to start buying his supplies for his birthday too and the invites. I will need the high quality picture CD to do the invitations.

I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

S-U-C-C-E-S-S that's the way we spell success! I have done it. ALL of my tickets are paid off in full. I did it all alone, worked full time and worked my ass off to get it done. I am so stoked and proud of myself, I really feel like things are working out well for me and to know that I am the one who is doing this.

Yup, that's what I'm doing...everyday...just putting a big fake smile on, pretending I think I'm beautiful and going about my day. I often wonder if I will ever find love again, if I will ever allow myself to trust again, if I can ever just let go.

I don't think its really going to happen, I have too much built up, I've built my wall up pretty fast and its pretty strong.

I'm just so confused on how I feel about life and everything, on one hand, I feel so strong and successful, on the other hand, I feel so alone and depressed.

I just want to be loved for who I am and treated right, but I don't think that will ever happen.

The Little Things...

You know what's the most upsetting about this ordeal? Aaron is missing out on the littlest things in Dae's life that you can't get back. Like right now, Dae is playing with this little telescope, and he's lying on the floor, peering through it saying "yo ho!"...he does cute things like this all the time, the way he dances when he hears any kind of music, the way he gets excited about things, his 1st icee that he had yesterday (and loved! lol) all of these little things, he won't see and they aren't the same in video or being told about them...

I'm thankful I have this little boy in my life, he's my saving grace for sure. I don't know where I would be or what I would be doing if I didn't have him to focus on. He has no idea just how important his sheer presence is to his mama. I have never loved someone as much as I love Dae.

I was thinking about having other kids (in the DISTANT FUTURE!) and I'm wondering if I will ever have another child, or children, or if I will ever meet someone and love them and get married again. Right now I say that I never want to be married again, and part of me wonders if that is the hurt talking...I just start to think, how would Dae feel if I met another man and fell in love and brought him around? Would he understand that I'm not trying to replace his daddy in his life? Would he feel like I'm trying to replace him? Would he be angry? What if I married and had children with this fictitious person? How would that make Dae feel?

Why do I think of all these things??? I have no idea, they just pop in my head at random times and send me on a whirlwind...

Are You Lonesome Tonight?

Nights like tonight are the worst...I'm so lonely right now, I really wish I had someone to hang out with right now. I just want to pop some popcorn, watch a movie and cuddle up on the couch for the night.

I'm not wishing I had Aaron here, all he would be doing is playing video games or waiting to play video games...

The one person I'm really wishing was here is my sister. I've started to forget how her voice sounded, I would do anything to hear it again. I can't picture what she looks like in my head, I have to see a picture to remember. She was my 1st best friend and most days I feel lost without her, even though it doesn't feel like she's never coming back. Sometimes, I think of something I want to tell her, reach for my phone and get all the way to the "S" before I realize that she isn't in there, she isn't going to answer. I can't talk to her about my day, about my feelings, I can't hear her tell me how beautiful I am, or see her with Dae. She would love him so much, he would probably never "want" for anything because she would have it for him in an instant.

I feel like I betrayed her in her last months by not being there with her. It was too hard for me to see my strong hero in her condition...she never would have done that to me, I feel so much guilt for that. I don't regret it, for the record, I do not believe in having regret in anything. Everything, good or bad, happens for a reason and is meant to be learned from. I know she isn't mad at me, I know that she understands, she understood me better then I understand myself.

It's just so hard some days...