Too Fast Too Furious...

wow...this friend of mine I've been talking to at work is moving WAY too fast for me. I'm not sure what I am supposed to do. I feel that I have made it blatantly obvious that I am in no way interested in him in a more serious way...ugh it's freaking bothering me so much!! I don't want to hurt his feelings, but he's older then me so of all people he should feel the same way...it is really bothering me that he won't just let things go the way they are meant to go and not try to push anything on me.

Then again, I don't know if I am going to be at work much longer, things are SO stressful right now! I hate to whine, but this is my blog so I'm going to whine on...I honestly hate having to make big decisions, one thing Aaron was good at was just taking chances and jumping head first into things...sure, sometimes things backfired, but half the fun was in taking chances...

I have too many things on my plate right now, well I feel like I do. I never wanted to be a single mother...selfish of me? Sure, but that's just the honest truth. I always wanted to be a wife/mother and have a partner by my side. I often wonder if I have found and lost my one true love. I don't feel like I am strong enough to be a single mother and go to school and work full time...I miss my baby so freaking much. I just want to lay in bed and cuddle him forever...or at least as long as he will allow me.

It breaks my heart when he calls my mom "mama". I know he doesn't really know, he calls almost everyone mama, it just stings a bit. I'm 10000000x thankful he's not in daycare though, that would just break my heart.

Can't I just flip a coin and let that make all the big scary decisions????

overtime...

Been working a lot of overtime, been thinking overtime, everything has been overtime.

I'm wondering if this Mr. Big is moving too fast for me, he seems to think that things are more then I am...I didn't think that I had "led" him on, I was open and honest and told him more then once that I was not looking for anything serious and for sure was not looking for any kind of commitment.

I might switch to the night shift at work, its from 1:30pm-10pm. I'm trying to weigh the pros and cons and figure out the best move for me and for Dae...either way I miss out on his life...I might need other opinions on this one...

Closing Time...

Closing time - time for you to go out, go out into the world.
Closing time - turn the lights up over every boy and every girl.
Closing time - one last call for alcohol, so finish your whiskey or beer.
Closing time - you don't have to go home but you can't stay here.

I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
Take me home...

Closing time - time for you to go back to the places you will be from.
Closing time - this room won't be open 'til your brothers or you sisters
come.
So gather up your jackets, and move it to the exits - I hope you have found
a
friend.
Closing time - every new beginning comes from some other beginning'send.

Yeah, I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
Take me home...

Closing time - time for you to go back to the places you will be from...

I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
Take me home...

Closing time - every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end...


---we have a song. It's from the movie we saw Saturday night, yes folks, I went out on a date. A real date, dinner, movie, drinks and home. Nothing more, nothing crazy, but it was the sweetest date I've ever been on. I didn't have to watch him get wasted, he was able to just sit and talk and not try to be all over me, what's the word? oh yeah, gentleman!

I really think I am starting to like this Guy...I just want to be divorced so I don't feel like I am doing something wrong. That really stops me from doing a lot, I feel like I am the one cheating on my marriage when it was long gone...ugh these things are so freaking hard...why is life so hard at 25??? I'm only 25 freaking years old and dealing with divorce/visitation...this is NOT how I pictured my life turning out, what did I do wrong? Where did I screw up?

So There's This Guy...

at work who's kinda into me and I might be kinda into him too...he's nice and kind and funny and doesn't drink or smoke pot or do anything shitty.

could it be too good to be true? maybe, which is why I'm not really going anywhere with this. Maybe a couple nights out and a whole lot of texts, but its really nice to just get to know someone again from the beginning.

There might be some drama in his backstory, and there's a ton in mine but I'm having fun right now and its been a long time since that's happened.

Is this what dating as a single mom is like?? How weird.

<----sucker!

Oh man, I never should have bought those pictures from Picture People. I am such a sucker, of course the pics came out wonderful and I joined the portrait club and am going back Friday to get more prints and maybe the CD. ugh I feel guilty buying those things because they are og so expensive, but on the other hand, Dae is only this age once and these pictures will last a life time and I will want them later.

Plus, my dad needs a picture, I'm thinking of getting the high quality cd for $75 and then printing the pics...yes its a lot of money but 1) I can afford it and 2) I can get them reprinted cheaper.

I need to stop stressing over money, things will always work out and money spent on my son is always worth it. Plus I need to start buying his supplies for his birthday too and the invites. I will need the high quality picture CD to do the invitations.

I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

S-U-C-C-E-S-S that's the way we spell success! I have done it. ALL of my tickets are paid off in full. I did it all alone, worked full time and worked my ass off to get it done. I am so stoked and proud of myself, I really feel like things are working out well for me and to know that I am the one who is doing this.

Yup, that's what I'm doing...everyday...just putting a big fake smile on, pretending I think I'm beautiful and going about my day. I often wonder if I will ever find love again, if I will ever allow myself to trust again, if I can ever just let go.

I don't think its really going to happen, I have too much built up, I've built my wall up pretty fast and its pretty strong.

I'm just so confused on how I feel about life and everything, on one hand, I feel so strong and successful, on the other hand, I feel so alone and depressed.

I just want to be loved for who I am and treated right, but I don't think that will ever happen.

The Little Things...

You know what's the most upsetting about this ordeal? Aaron is missing out on the littlest things in Dae's life that you can't get back. Like right now, Dae is playing with this little telescope, and he's lying on the floor, peering through it saying "yo ho!"...he does cute things like this all the time, the way he dances when he hears any kind of music, the way he gets excited about things, his 1st icee that he had yesterday (and loved! lol) all of these little things, he won't see and they aren't the same in video or being told about them...

I'm thankful I have this little boy in my life, he's my saving grace for sure. I don't know where I would be or what I would be doing if I didn't have him to focus on. He has no idea just how important his sheer presence is to his mama. I have never loved someone as much as I love Dae.

I was thinking about having other kids (in the DISTANT FUTURE!) and I'm wondering if I will ever have another child, or children, or if I will ever meet someone and love them and get married again. Right now I say that I never want to be married again, and part of me wonders if that is the hurt talking...I just start to think, how would Dae feel if I met another man and fell in love and brought him around? Would he understand that I'm not trying to replace his daddy in his life? Would he feel like I'm trying to replace him? Would he be angry? What if I married and had children with this fictitious person? How would that make Dae feel?

Why do I think of all these things??? I have no idea, they just pop in my head at random times and send me on a whirlwind...