Homecoming...mixed emotions abound

We picked Aaron up today...there were tears, he looked so different...he's so sunburned and lost some weight. Dae took to him immediately, and I felt those nervous butterflies again. My stomach was in knots from the second I woke up until like 9am. It was so funny to be so nervous.

Aaron and I had a cigarette outside and I broke down and admitted how much I missed him and that I didn't want the divorce, I hope I didn't freak him out. He asked me if I wanted a hug and I said yes because I have been wanting a hug for so long. I just cried in his arms.

Then we went inside and had breakfast and then he took a shower and Yolanda took Dae to the store with her so Aaron and I could talk. We didn't talk because Aaron was so tired, he asked me for a massage and I gave him one because I wanted to. It was so nice, we just chatted.

Then we laid down and started to fall asleep and I rubbed his chest and he just held me in his arms. I didn't push him to do that, at first we laid apart, but he rolled over to me and grabbed me so I went with it. It felt so great to be back in his arms where I belonged. I could feel him getting a boner LMAO

We kissed and he said he missed me so much. I wanted to cry I felt so happy.

Yolanda and Dae came back and he said he was going to sleep some more, so Dae sat right next to him and watched cartoons then Yolanda and I went to the store for some stuff for lunch, we came back and had lunch, Aaron was awake by then, and we agreed to have our serious talk on Monday, after we had the weekend to think about everything.

He rode the bus home with me and Dae, he said he didn't want us to ride alone and I was thankful that he did. He got sick though and I felt SO bad because we had to get off the bus early because he had to use the restroom. It must have been a miserable ride for him, but I was so happy to just have him with us.

I keep praying things will work out. I love him so much.

He's coming home!

Aaron is coming home and I am both excited and nervous. I am hoping he wants to work things out like I do, but worried that he won't. I know where I went wrong, and I know that I am willing and GOING to change and not allow the things that I did wrong effect the relationship we have.

I have learned things like stressing about the bills is stupid. Either do something about it or let it happen. If the phone doesn't get paid, extend it and see what happens, if you still can't pay it OH WELL. In the end its really not important and definitely not worth obsessing over.

Another thing I learned, to take a time out and think before I speak. It's vital to not be so snarky and bitchy all the time because do it enough and people stop wanting to talk to you. I see this in my mother and it pisses me off, so why do I do it? I won't because if it annoys me, then it annoys everyone.

I know that I made a mistake in not having sex and being affectionate with Aaron. It was something he craved and of course, now that he's gone, I am craving it. I just want him to hold me and hug me and yes, I do want to have sex with him. I want to LOVE him and I know that I love him because I get those butterflies when I get a message from him, just like I used to.

Trust. Trust is vital and in order to start over, I know I am going to have to trust him and back off. Time apart with friends or even alone is important for both of us and when he goes off with his friends, I need to sit back and leave him alone just like I would want when I go out. I also need to go out, even if its alone, I need to get away.

We also need a date night. We need to re-connect on us and take time to focus on our relationship and I'm not talking about the mom/dad relationship...I mean the husband/wife/lovers relationship.

We also need to move out. Even if we move to a hotel, we move out.

I pray he feels the same way and is at least willing to give this marriage another chance.

Pinpointing things...

I've figured out one of the main issues that caused the downfall in my marriage. ME...

I didn't take time to focus on me and Aaron's relationship, I allowed myself to be severely controlling over Dae and by doing that, I basically pushed him away. What we should have been doing was taking time for each other.

Sure has bitten me in the ass now...I crave time alone with Dae and just want Aaron here. Now he's gone and I ruined everything.

I pray that we can work things out. I have Faith.

He made it!!!

So Aaron made it to El Centro, CA...he is almost there. My mom and I are at odds right now because I was going to send him $50 and she would not let me take her car or take me to the bank. I was very upset, but thankfully Yolanda came through and we went to the bank together.

We are becoming really close, me and Yolanda, she is actually more supportive of me and more willing to help with Dae then my own parents. She gave me some money, and I'm trying to get Dae to the zoo this week. She's also helping me find a part time job and willing to watch Dae.

I have a new goal...to have my license fixed by June. I pray I can get it done.

Have Faith...someone told me that and I used to abide by it...I don't know why I stopped but I am going to remember that and live by it again.

All mixed up

Today I wanted to break down. I really needed Aaron...Dae was a hot mess at a birthday party and I really could have used Aaron to calm him down and hold him. Sometimes I miss him SO much I just want to die.

Last I heard he was in Deming, NM. I'm so worried that he's not ok, or that he's hungry or whatever. I just want to know he's ok.

We went to McAllen yesterday to get his stuff and after a bunch of hassle, I got the ps3 but I think its missing a game. I didn't realize that until we left which sucks. While we were down there we stopped at San Juan to pray at the basicillica and I lit a candle for Aaron and actually prayed. I'm wearing the Saint charms, Saint Anne and Saint Christopher and I really feel that they will help us.

I am praying that things work out between us, I am not ready for my marriage to be over. I'd walk to the end of the earth for him, I just hope he knows that.

now what?

So its been a while since I've talked to Aaron. I sent him an email asking him if he wanted me to pause the divorce and I think I was too emotional and maybe scared him off.

Blah, I'm starting to get worried though, he was supposed to be in Las Cruces,NM and was going to stay long enough to get his food stamp card and then he was leaving...well from NM-California is all desert so of course I'm a bit freaked out that something has happened.

Of course, like last time, I don't have that feeling in my heart that he's hurt so I know he's probably just not able to get access to a computer. I just wish he'd let me know he's ok.

I'm doing somethings for me, got a cute haircut today and I think with a little getting used to it will be cute.

random phone calls...

So I'm chillin at home and this number I don't know calls me, I missed the call so I call it back and turns out it was Aaron. The voice sounded familiar on the other end but it had actually been a long time since I've talked to Aaron on the phone, I wasn't sure what his voice sounded like.

We made small talk, and I let him talk to Dae for a bit. Yeah Dae actually talks on the phone now, he's SO adorable and such a big boy. He says things like "hi" "yeah" "uh huh" "ok" and pauses to listen. SO cool.

So I feel SO bad because while I had him on the line and I tried to call his mom so she could talk to him, but she didn't answer and he couldn't stay on the line long but I was able to call his brother Richard for him and he was able to talk to him and tell him what he wanted etc. He's bringing me the ps3 and games for Dae.

I am so confused right now...I am pretty much the only person he has to rely on, and he's already asked me to pay his tickets, child support and other things and promises to help me...part of me thinks he is being honest and true but there is another part of me that just...can't trust him anymore.

Like my brain says that I don't want to be married to him anymore, and I honestly don't have that feeling of "love/passion" towards him. I remember how I felt back in 2006 and those feelings of we will rule the world are over. If he comes back and can get a job and work then maybe we will be friends, maybe we will be best friends but I'm not sure either one of us is "in love" with the other one anymore.

IDK...this is all just too much.