You know what's the most upsetting about this ordeal? Aaron is missing out on the littlest things in Dae's life that you can't get back. Like right now, Dae is playing with this little telescope, and he's lying on the floor, peering through it saying "yo ho!"...he does cute things like this all the time, the way he dances when he hears any kind of music, the way he gets excited about things, his 1st icee that he had yesterday (and loved! lol) all of these little things, he won't see and they aren't the same in video or being told about them...
I'm thankful I have this little boy in my life, he's my saving grace for sure. I don't know where I would be or what I would be doing if I didn't have him to focus on. He has no idea just how important his sheer presence is to his mama. I have never loved someone as much as I love Dae.
I was thinking about having other kids (in the DISTANT FUTURE!) and I'm wondering if I will ever have another child, or children, or if I will ever meet someone and love them and get married again. Right now I say that I never want to be married again, and part of me wonders if that is the hurt talking...I just start to think, how would Dae feel if I met another man and fell in love and brought him around? Would he understand that I'm not trying to replace his daddy in his life? Would he feel like I'm trying to replace him? Would he be angry? What if I married and had children with this fictitious person? How would that make Dae feel?
Why do I think of all these things??? I have no idea, they just pop in my head at random times and send me on a whirlwind...
Monday, July 4, 2011
Friday, July 1, 2011
Are You Lonesome Tonight?
Nights like tonight are the worst...I'm so lonely right now, I really wish I had someone to hang out with right now. I just want to pop some popcorn, watch a movie and cuddle up on the couch for the night.
I'm not wishing I had Aaron here, all he would be doing is playing video games or waiting to play video games...
The one person I'm really wishing was here is my sister. I've started to forget how her voice sounded, I would do anything to hear it again. I can't picture what she looks like in my head, I have to see a picture to remember. She was my 1st best friend and most days I feel lost without her, even though it doesn't feel like she's never coming back. Sometimes, I think of something I want to tell her, reach for my phone and get all the way to the "S" before I realize that she isn't in there, she isn't going to answer. I can't talk to her about my day, about my feelings, I can't hear her tell me how beautiful I am, or see her with Dae. She would love him so much, he would probably never "want" for anything because she would have it for him in an instant.
I feel like I betrayed her in her last months by not being there with her. It was too hard for me to see my strong hero in her condition...she never would have done that to me, I feel so much guilt for that. I don't regret it, for the record, I do not believe in having regret in anything. Everything, good or bad, happens for a reason and is meant to be learned from. I know she isn't mad at me, I know that she understands, she understood me better then I understand myself.
It's just so hard some days...
I'm not wishing I had Aaron here, all he would be doing is playing video games or waiting to play video games...
The one person I'm really wishing was here is my sister. I've started to forget how her voice sounded, I would do anything to hear it again. I can't picture what she looks like in my head, I have to see a picture to remember. She was my 1st best friend and most days I feel lost without her, even though it doesn't feel like she's never coming back. Sometimes, I think of something I want to tell her, reach for my phone and get all the way to the "S" before I realize that she isn't in there, she isn't going to answer. I can't talk to her about my day, about my feelings, I can't hear her tell me how beautiful I am, or see her with Dae. She would love him so much, he would probably never "want" for anything because she would have it for him in an instant.
I feel like I betrayed her in her last months by not being there with her. It was too hard for me to see my strong hero in her condition...she never would have done that to me, I feel so much guilt for that. I don't regret it, for the record, I do not believe in having regret in anything. Everything, good or bad, happens for a reason and is meant to be learned from. I know she isn't mad at me, I know that she understands, she understood me better then I understand myself.
It's just so hard some days...
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
True Colors
Wow, sometimes when things happen in life, you really find out people's true colors. Aaron's mom is such a horses ass, she has been after the damned armiore and trundle bed since the second Aaron and I separated. Yet, she's too cowardly to come out and say that she's just doing it to be a bitch, or even call me on the phone to discuss it like adults. She does it through text message and then when I send replies to her she ignores them.
She didn't even ask me, that's what pisses me off the most, she pretty much just told me what she was doing. I don't mother fucking think so!!! I hate how petty and totally bitchy she is being during this whole thing. It's AARON'S FAULT we are getting divorced in the first place!!!! He's the one who ditched me on MY birthday and went on a drinking bender and screwed another chick and is now with that whore when we aren't even officially divorced yet. He's not doing one damned thing for Daemyen, he's not doing jack shit to try and see Zain, all he is doing is being fucking selfish and she's thinking he's the best fucking person in the world. I want to punch them both.
I am working so hard to make it alone, and to have her act this way and act like I am in the wrong is so frustrating and hurtful. I didn't do anything wrong in this marriage, I did everything I could on my part, he was the one who ruined it. I still haven't even talked to any men what so ever...can't say the same for him since he says he doesn't remember what he did that weekend but yet is with Misty again, like I don't remember that she was the chick he always had sex with...I bet he was talking and hooking up with lots of other girls since he never wanted to have sex with me but blames the lack of sex on me.
Gah, the more I think about him, the more I realize that I'm freaking stupid for not letting him go earlier. I do NOT regret anything, I don't believe in having regret, but I do think that I should not have turned my back on my family so many times...would have saved me a lot of embarrassment now.
She didn't even ask me, that's what pisses me off the most, she pretty much just told me what she was doing. I don't mother fucking think so!!! I hate how petty and totally bitchy she is being during this whole thing. It's AARON'S FAULT we are getting divorced in the first place!!!! He's the one who ditched me on MY birthday and went on a drinking bender and screwed another chick and is now with that whore when we aren't even officially divorced yet. He's not doing one damned thing for Daemyen, he's not doing jack shit to try and see Zain, all he is doing is being fucking selfish and she's thinking he's the best fucking person in the world. I want to punch them both.
I am working so hard to make it alone, and to have her act this way and act like I am in the wrong is so frustrating and hurtful. I didn't do anything wrong in this marriage, I did everything I could on my part, he was the one who ruined it. I still haven't even talked to any men what so ever...can't say the same for him since he says he doesn't remember what he did that weekend but yet is with Misty again, like I don't remember that she was the chick he always had sex with...I bet he was talking and hooking up with lots of other girls since he never wanted to have sex with me but blames the lack of sex on me.
Gah, the more I think about him, the more I realize that I'm freaking stupid for not letting him go earlier. I do NOT regret anything, I don't believe in having regret, but I do think that I should not have turned my back on my family so many times...would have saved me a lot of embarrassment now.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Almost done!!!!!
I'm almost done paying off my tickets!!!!! I just have one left to go and I will be done paying it off on my Daddy's birthday, July 8th!!! I am SO VERY PROUD of myself, I have done this in just 3 short months, its amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it.
I'm also so very glad that I have a savings account now and that I am trying to save. It doesn't seem that it will cost me too much to reinstate my license, it actually seems cheaper then the tickets were! I'm crossing my fingers and praying that things will go smoothly for me and I can get my license quickly and easily.
Now starts the planning for Dae's 2nd birthday party...I want it to be awesome...so far all I have is that it's gonna be Toy Story 3 themed LOL
I'm also so very glad that I have a savings account now and that I am trying to save. It doesn't seem that it will cost me too much to reinstate my license, it actually seems cheaper then the tickets were! I'm crossing my fingers and praying that things will go smoothly for me and I can get my license quickly and easily.
Now starts the planning for Dae's 2nd birthday party...I want it to be awesome...so far all I have is that it's gonna be Toy Story 3 themed LOL
Monday, June 20, 2011
guilt
Why do I feel so guilty?? I am doing NOTHING wrong, yet I feel SO incredibly consumed with guilt that I could cry. All I am doing is what's the best for Dae and since Aaron isn't helping, I am doing all I can.
I'm selling the jogging stroller that his mom bought for Zain and gave to us for Dae. I feel SO bad about it, I want to tell him I am doing it, but for what? What is he going to do? He sure as hell isn't going to give me any money for it, or at all. I need a little help, yes I make a decent paycheck, but I am trying to pay off my tickets which leaves me a little (read: A LOT) short each pay period.
I hate how guilty I feel about it...it's NOT MY FAULT...I say that, I just don't believe it.
I'm selling the jogging stroller that his mom bought for Zain and gave to us for Dae. I feel SO bad about it, I want to tell him I am doing it, but for what? What is he going to do? He sure as hell isn't going to give me any money for it, or at all. I need a little help, yes I make a decent paycheck, but I am trying to pay off my tickets which leaves me a little (read: A LOT) short each pay period.
I hate how guilty I feel about it...it's NOT MY FAULT...I say that, I just don't believe it.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
I HATE DRAMA!!!!
Ugh, Taquito (Aaron's ex girlfriend and the mother of his oldest) called Child Protective Services on Aaron trying to get his visits with Zain stopped but instead, all she did was screw herself over cause now she has to supervise visits. Her goal totally backfired and I can't help but laugh. She's such a dumb whore, I mean literally, she has 3 kids and 3 baby daddies and just keeps going.
Aaron came to see Dae again today and we had a little bbq for him and my mom got a card for him from Dae. The visit was ok, better then the last one, things just seem more friendly and not so stressful/awkward. That's both sad and good.
It's sad because that means that there aren't really anymore feelings towards him, but its good because Dae needs his parents to be friends and work together, not fight.
Only time will tell what is gonna come of all this, but I am stronger every day.
Aaron came to see Dae again today and we had a little bbq for him and my mom got a card for him from Dae. The visit was ok, better then the last one, things just seem more friendly and not so stressful/awkward. That's both sad and good.
It's sad because that means that there aren't really anymore feelings towards him, but its good because Dae needs his parents to be friends and work together, not fight.
Only time will tell what is gonna come of all this, but I am stronger every day.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Enjoying my life
Things are great right now. Yeah my marriage is over and I'm going through a divorce and now have to consider child support and visitation. I was going to be nice about it, but now what's the point? I'm tired of trying to be the good guy when he doesn't care about us one bit.
You think he's really trying to get help for himself? NO. He's screwing around (literally) and still getting drunk, acting like he has no responsibilities in the world. Is he busting his ass to get a job and get his life in order? Nope. Just mooching off his parents and others like always.
I am doing GREAT for myself and Dae, I'm working full time making good money, paying off my tickets (2 down, 2 to go!) and soon will have my license back and a car of my very own. I'm also gonna be able to get Dae into daycare two days a week and will be paying for everything on my own. I have a savings account, I have cash on me at all times, something I NEVER had with Aaron. He always wanted to spend every last penny, of course mostly on himself.
One day I will meet my prince charming and be swept off my feet. maybe.
You think he's really trying to get help for himself? NO. He's screwing around (literally) and still getting drunk, acting like he has no responsibilities in the world. Is he busting his ass to get a job and get his life in order? Nope. Just mooching off his parents and others like always.
I am doing GREAT for myself and Dae, I'm working full time making good money, paying off my tickets (2 down, 2 to go!) and soon will have my license back and a car of my very own. I'm also gonna be able to get Dae into daycare two days a week and will be paying for everything on my own. I have a savings account, I have cash on me at all times, something I NEVER had with Aaron. He always wanted to spend every last penny, of course mostly on himself.
One day I will meet my prince charming and be swept off my feet. maybe.
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