<----sucker!

Oh man, I never should have bought those pictures from Picture People. I am such a sucker, of course the pics came out wonderful and I joined the portrait club and am going back Friday to get more prints and maybe the CD. ugh I feel guilty buying those things because they are og so expensive, but on the other hand, Dae is only this age once and these pictures will last a life time and I will want them later.

Plus, my dad needs a picture, I'm thinking of getting the high quality cd for $75 and then printing the pics...yes its a lot of money but 1) I can afford it and 2) I can get them reprinted cheaper.

I need to stop stressing over money, things will always work out and money spent on my son is always worth it. Plus I need to start buying his supplies for his birthday too and the invites. I will need the high quality picture CD to do the invitations.

I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

S-U-C-C-E-S-S that's the way we spell success! I have done it. ALL of my tickets are paid off in full. I did it all alone, worked full time and worked my ass off to get it done. I am so stoked and proud of myself, I really feel like things are working out well for me and to know that I am the one who is doing this.

Yup, that's what I'm doing...everyday...just putting a big fake smile on, pretending I think I'm beautiful and going about my day. I often wonder if I will ever find love again, if I will ever allow myself to trust again, if I can ever just let go.

I don't think its really going to happen, I have too much built up, I've built my wall up pretty fast and its pretty strong.

I'm just so confused on how I feel about life and everything, on one hand, I feel so strong and successful, on the other hand, I feel so alone and depressed.

I just want to be loved for who I am and treated right, but I don't think that will ever happen.

The Little Things...

You know what's the most upsetting about this ordeal? Aaron is missing out on the littlest things in Dae's life that you can't get back. Like right now, Dae is playing with this little telescope, and he's lying on the floor, peering through it saying "yo ho!"...he does cute things like this all the time, the way he dances when he hears any kind of music, the way he gets excited about things, his 1st icee that he had yesterday (and loved! lol) all of these little things, he won't see and they aren't the same in video or being told about them...

I'm thankful I have this little boy in my life, he's my saving grace for sure. I don't know where I would be or what I would be doing if I didn't have him to focus on. He has no idea just how important his sheer presence is to his mama. I have never loved someone as much as I love Dae.

I was thinking about having other kids (in the DISTANT FUTURE!) and I'm wondering if I will ever have another child, or children, or if I will ever meet someone and love them and get married again. Right now I say that I never want to be married again, and part of me wonders if that is the hurt talking...I just start to think, how would Dae feel if I met another man and fell in love and brought him around? Would he understand that I'm not trying to replace his daddy in his life? Would he feel like I'm trying to replace him? Would he be angry? What if I married and had children with this fictitious person? How would that make Dae feel?

Why do I think of all these things??? I have no idea, they just pop in my head at random times and send me on a whirlwind...

Are You Lonesome Tonight?

Nights like tonight are the worst...I'm so lonely right now, I really wish I had someone to hang out with right now. I just want to pop some popcorn, watch a movie and cuddle up on the couch for the night.

I'm not wishing I had Aaron here, all he would be doing is playing video games or waiting to play video games...

The one person I'm really wishing was here is my sister. I've started to forget how her voice sounded, I would do anything to hear it again. I can't picture what she looks like in my head, I have to see a picture to remember. She was my 1st best friend and most days I feel lost without her, even though it doesn't feel like she's never coming back. Sometimes, I think of something I want to tell her, reach for my phone and get all the way to the "S" before I realize that she isn't in there, she isn't going to answer. I can't talk to her about my day, about my feelings, I can't hear her tell me how beautiful I am, or see her with Dae. She would love him so much, he would probably never "want" for anything because she would have it for him in an instant.

I feel like I betrayed her in her last months by not being there with her. It was too hard for me to see my strong hero in her condition...she never would have done that to me, I feel so much guilt for that. I don't regret it, for the record, I do not believe in having regret in anything. Everything, good or bad, happens for a reason and is meant to be learned from. I know she isn't mad at me, I know that she understands, she understood me better then I understand myself.

It's just so hard some days...

True Colors

Wow, sometimes when things happen in life, you really find out people's true colors. Aaron's mom is such a horses ass, she has been after the damned armiore and trundle bed since the second Aaron and I separated. Yet, she's too cowardly to come out and say that she's just doing it to be a bitch, or even call me on the phone to discuss it like adults. She does it through text message and then when I send replies to her she ignores them.

She didn't even ask me, that's what pisses me off the most, she pretty much just told me what she was doing. I don't mother fucking think so!!! I hate how petty and totally bitchy she is being during this whole thing. It's AARON'S FAULT we are getting divorced in the first place!!!! He's the one who ditched me on MY birthday and went on a drinking bender and screwed another chick and is now with that whore when we aren't even officially divorced yet. He's not doing one damned thing for Daemyen, he's not doing jack shit to try and see Zain, all he is doing is being fucking selfish and she's thinking he's the best fucking person in the world. I want to punch them both.

I am working so hard to make it alone, and to have her act this way and act like I am in the wrong is so frustrating and hurtful. I didn't do anything wrong in this marriage, I did everything I could on my part, he was the one who ruined it. I still haven't even talked to any men what so ever...can't say the same for him since he says he doesn't remember what he did that weekend but yet is with Misty again, like I don't remember that she was the chick he always had sex with...I bet he was talking and hooking up with lots of other girls since he never wanted to have sex with me but blames the lack of sex on me.

Gah, the more I think about him, the more I realize that I'm freaking stupid for not letting him go earlier. I do NOT regret anything, I don't believe in having regret, but I do think that I should not have turned my back on my family so many times...would have saved me a lot of embarrassment now.

Almost done!!!!!

I'm almost done paying off my tickets!!!!! I just have one left to go and I will be done paying it off on my Daddy's birthday, July 8th!!! I am SO VERY PROUD of myself, I have done this in just 3 short months, its amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it.

I'm also so very glad that I have a savings account now and that I am trying to save. It doesn't seem that it will cost me too much to reinstate my license, it actually seems cheaper then the tickets were! I'm crossing my fingers and praying that things will go smoothly for me and I can get my license quickly and easily.

Now starts the planning for Dae's 2nd birthday party...I want it to be awesome...so far all I have is that it's gonna be Toy Story 3 themed LOL

guilt

Why do I feel so guilty?? I am doing NOTHING wrong, yet I feel SO incredibly consumed with guilt that I could cry. All I am doing is what's the best for Dae and since Aaron isn't helping, I am doing all I can.

I'm selling the jogging stroller that his mom bought for Zain and gave to us for Dae. I feel SO bad about it, I want to tell him I am doing it, but for what? What is he going to do? He sure as hell isn't going to give me any money for it, or at all. I need a little help, yes I make a decent paycheck, but I am trying to pay off my tickets which leaves me a little (read: A LOT) short each pay period.

I hate how guilty I feel about it...it's NOT MY FAULT...I say that, I just don't believe it.