one liner

*sigh* I have so many things to say, but not the words or the time...so is life.

Blogging on the Bus

Decided to finally use my blogger app and blog on the go. I wanted to tell the world about this stupid guy who rides the bus...I'm sure he's a nice guy but the way he wears his hat just makes me think otherwise. It's just barely sitting on top of his head, and backwards...kind of like...ugh I wish I could take a picture. Its not even on top of his head, its just sitting on the back of his head like those caps Jewish men/boys wear...except this is a Cincinnati Reds cap lol anyway, he looks foolish and everytime I see him I want to ask if he thinks he looks cool or doesn't know how to buy hats.

Ok, enough picking on that kid lol

Today Aaron comes back from McAllen and will be bringing "my" car to me. I'm pretty excited, its not the best car, but its free. Who can argue with free? Not me.

I'm still all over the place with him...most days I can see all the hurt he's put me through, the carelessness, the fact he won't grow up...but then...every once in a while, I think, well, maybe he can change. Maybe this time will be different, maybe things will work out. Maybe, just maybe, he realizes he can't live without me and he will do anything to make it up to me. I've tried to talk myself out of these feelings, but I just can't. I never, ever wanted my marriage to end, I always said that no matter what he did (aside from putting hands on me/dae) that I would make it work. I just don't know what he is thinking/feeling and I could be setting myself up for a huge letdown.

Only time will tell.

posted from Bloggeroid

One Week Later...

Gah, how emotional was last week? Crazy. I still have a lot of those feelings, this week has been really stressful emotionally/energy wise...there is a lot of thinking I have been doing and a whole lot of feeling...I am even more confused now then I was back in January.

I feel like back in May when things just got so shitty, I was filled with some kind of frantic energy. It was like I was clawing my way out of a hole and now...I am just too damn tired to climb anymore. I'm still feeling beaten down, exhausted, physically and emotionally. Still feeling lost, scared and alone.

Things will get better, I know they will, they have to...nothing can be worse then these feelings right now. Nothing can be any worse then this shit. I am hoping that what I feel in my heart is meant to be and one day it will sync with what my brain is telling me.

Right now, my brain is in charge, the heart is just too...unpredictable and sensitive.

Adele and Lil Wayne

Not a likely combination, but the last two blogs I just posted, the songs by Adele and Lil Wayne are the two songs that I have on repeat almost all day. They just seem to speak to me, to reach out and touch me.

I've been feeling really shitty this week...some say this is part of the "grieving" process, anger, frustration, jealousy...I don't know how to describe my feelings which is odd because 99% of the time I know exactly what emotion I am feeling at any point in time.

I just want to know what he is thinking. Is he as upset as I am, does he think about me as much as I think of him? I hate how much I think about him, I wish I could just erase him from my mind. I find myself thinking of him while I'm waiting for the bus, walking around campus, eating alone...I am really in a love/hate relationship with myself right now. All that confidence I had, I don't know where it went. I walk through campus and I feel empty. All I can remember is being there with him, how we sat in the cyber cafe and watched anime, or how he would walk me to class and then I'd go and wait for him outside of his class. I find myself aching from loneliness as I walk through campus. Most days I just want to leave and never come back, if I didn't have Dae, waiting for me at home, I'm not sure where I would be right now.

I haven't wanted to say it, but I can't hide it anymore. I hurt. Everything hurts, nothing is fun anymore, I feel like an empty shell just going through the day to day motions. I can't wait for the day to be over so I can go to sleep and pretend like things won't suck when I wake up. I don't know what to do about this, I can't let it consume me this way, but I have never been in this situation before and I have no idea how to handle it. I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do, I don't know anything.

I thought I was happy, yeah we had our moments, but I thought that was normal marriage stuff and everything would work out. There were so many promises made and broken, as if they had been made with no intent to keep them in the first place. I supported him, defended him, stood by him and then BOOM. I get left behind like nothing. Why couldn't things have happened earlier? Why did I have to be blindsided by him? How can I ever trust someone again? How do I know that the next guy won't just make promises he has no intention on keeping. How am I supposed to trust someone with the most precious part of me ever again? I gave my heart and soul to him and he just played with it and then threw it away with no remorse, no apology. That is the deepest hurt I have ever felt.

I wish my sister were here right now. I HATE that she's in Heaven when I need her here with me. It's been 5years since she passed and everyday I just want to pick up my phone and call her. See what she's doing, how her day was, see if she wants to do something and I can't. It breaks my heart to see sisters who don't get along, my sister was my first best friend, she hung the moon to me, she was the one person I told everything too and I need her so much right now. She was stolen from me and I want her back.

All I know, is that I am lonely as hell and I hate it. I hate everything, the only light in my life is Dae and I know I need to be strong for him, but damn, I'm not sure how long I can play this game. Fake it till you make it is my motto right now but I really don't think I can fake it for long. This must be why people jump into relationships so quickly, what's the word? rebound. yeah, but I can't even have that because I don't even want to talk to anyone and the idea of "dating" someone makes me sick to my stomach.

I'm afraid I am going to be alone forever, that I will never find anyone who loves me or is good enough for Dae. How can I be with someone when I have a child? I don't know how that works or if I can handle that or if anyone even wants to be with someone like me. I just feel so shitty about myself, I don't know how to change the way I think/feel.

ugh.

How to Love-Lil Wayne

[Intro - Lil Wayne]
Cut the music up
A lil’ louder
Yeah

[Chorus - Lil Wayne]
You had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love, how to love
You had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in the corner tryna put it together
How to love, how to love

[Hook - Lil Wayne]
For a second you were here, now you over there
It’s hard not to stare, the way you moving your body
Like you never had a love, never had love

[Verse 1 - Lil Wayne]
When you was just a young’un, your looks were so precious
But now your grown up, so fly it’s like a blessing
But you can’t have a man look at you for 5 seconds
Without you being insecure
You never credit yourself so when you got older
It’s seems like you came back 10 times over
Now you’re sitting here in this damn corner
Looking through all your thoughts and looking over your shoulder

[Chorus - Lil Wayne]
See you had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love, how to love
See you had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in this corner tryna put it together
How to love, how to love

[Hook - Lil Wayne]
For a second you were here, now you over there
It’s hard not to stare, the way you moving your body
Like you never had a love, had a love

[Verse 2 - Lil Wayne]
Ooohh, you had a lot of dreams that transform to visions
The fact that you saw the world affected all your decisions
But it wasn’t your fault, wasn’t in your intentions
To be the one here talking to me, be the one listening
But I admire your poppin’ bottles and dippin’
Just as much as you admire bartending and strippin’
Baby, so don’t be mad, nobody else trippin’
You see a lot of crooks and the crooks still crook

[Chorus - Lil Wayne]
You see you had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love, how to love
See you had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in this corner tryna put it together
How to love, how to love

[Verse 3 - Lil Wayne]
Ooohh, see I just want you to know
That you deserve the best
You’re beautiful
You’re beautiful
Yeahh
And I want you to know
You’re far from the usual
Far from the usual

[Chorus - Lil Wayne]
You see you had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love, how to love
See you had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in this corner tryna put it together
How to love, how to love
See you had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love, how to love
Yeahh, see you had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in this corner tryna put it together
How to love, how to love

Someone Like You-Adele

I heard
That you're settled down
That you
Found a girl
And you're
Married now

I heard
That your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things
I didn't give to you

Old friend
Why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back
Or hide from the light

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
"I'll remember", you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead.
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead,
Yeah.

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday
It was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise
Of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
"I'll remember", you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead.

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known
How bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Don't forget me, I beg
"I'll remember", you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
"I'll remember", you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead.

Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead. 

Changes

My Britt is leaving on Wednesday. I'm so sad because I am going to miss her and Mikey, but I'm also happy for her because hopefully, things will be better for her. It's a scary thing, to have to move, makes me remember how nervous/excited/anxious I was when we were supposed to move to the valley. I often wonder if Aaron never intended for us to move with him, when I think back, he never helped me pack, and then when I find out that stupid whore friend of his mom's told him he should go to the valley alone.

I pretty much blame her for this, well, of course I blame Aaron but if she hadn't opened her big ass mouth and gotten in business where she wasn't wanted, maybe we could have made things work. I can't help but wonder if this is really how my life is supposed to be, if I am going to be alone for a while, if I will ever find love again.

I'm just hitting the point where I'm angry. I'm angry that he did this to us, that I'm having to raise our son alone, that was not the plan, I never wanted to be a single parent, we we're supposed to do everything together. I kept my end of the deal, I supported him, I didn't cheat on him, I loved him with my entire being and what do I get in return? I can't even get him to buy some mother freaking diapers. Hell, I can't even let him be alone with our son! Who did I piss off to deserve this? I know that I have accomplished some things alone, and yes, I was proud of myself for that, but I still feel an incredible sadness that I have no one to share that with. I want that special someone to share things with and as terrible as it sounds, I don't think I will ever have that because I don't think there will ever be someone good enough to be around Dae and me.