Today was our first couples counseling session. I just want to say, I am REALLY happy with the way things went. I like our counselor, he's a student working on his graduate level stuff and we met his supervisor/professor, he's amazing.
He came in and had been watching us on video and noticed by the way we were sitting how we feel about each other, we discussed why we wanted to go to counseling and the history of our relationship/marriage. The counselor said we were a great couple, that things look so positive and workable. He said I was strong and powerful (wish he had said I had super powers but that's ok) and that aaron has strength and that we need each other to work
There was a ton of other stuff, we talked about some heavy things, it was INTENSE at some points, just the raw emotion, the truth, the love. POWERFUL and AMAZING.
I am so freaking happy, in love, hopeful...loving life right now. I can't wait to see what the future holds for my family.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Monday, October 10, 2011
Kicked Into Gear
ugh! I hate when I let thoughts and ideas of other people negatively affect me. I feel like I am letting them control me, well, in a way I am. What are you supposed to do when your happiness could cause others to be upset with you, or worst case scenario, stop speaking to you altogether?
I know things with me and Aaron aren't perfect, haven't been and we need a lot of work, but what if, just what if, we are meant to be and are going to work out. That's where these issues come into play, because I have people on my end, like my parents who I'm about 95% sure will be angry with me for going back to Aaron. My mom will be more supportive (I think) then my dad, my dad keeps asking when the divorce will be finalized. I'm so torn with being upset over the fact that he will be angry with me, that it causes me to slow down and wonder what would happen in the future. How would he treat Aaron at Christmas? How would he treat him down the line? Would things be awkward? Would Aaron feel comfortable?
The real question is, why do I care so much? Why does the happiness of someone else matter so much more then my own happiness? I am determined to make this work, and if that means I step on some toes in the process and upset some people, well then so be it.
I need to also get more focused on school, my dad has been really discouraging, telling me to just quit and work, but I don't want to do that. I don't want to work a dead end job for the rest of my life. I want to love what I do and do what I love. I'm going to see where things are in November/early December and decide from there what my next step will be.
I WILL BE HAPPY DAMNIT. and sorry to say it, but if you don't like how I choose to be happy, keep it to yourself or be prepared for me to distance myself away.
I know things with me and Aaron aren't perfect, haven't been and we need a lot of work, but what if, just what if, we are meant to be and are going to work out. That's where these issues come into play, because I have people on my end, like my parents who I'm about 95% sure will be angry with me for going back to Aaron. My mom will be more supportive (I think) then my dad, my dad keeps asking when the divorce will be finalized. I'm so torn with being upset over the fact that he will be angry with me, that it causes me to slow down and wonder what would happen in the future. How would he treat Aaron at Christmas? How would he treat him down the line? Would things be awkward? Would Aaron feel comfortable?
The real question is, why do I care so much? Why does the happiness of someone else matter so much more then my own happiness? I am determined to make this work, and if that means I step on some toes in the process and upset some people, well then so be it.
I need to also get more focused on school, my dad has been really discouraging, telling me to just quit and work, but I don't want to do that. I don't want to work a dead end job for the rest of my life. I want to love what I do and do what I love. I'm going to see where things are in November/early December and decide from there what my next step will be.
I WILL BE HAPPY DAMNIT. and sorry to say it, but if you don't like how I choose to be happy, keep it to yourself or be prepared for me to distance myself away.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Holding My Breath
People always say "don't hold your breath" or "I'm not holding my breath"...what does that really mean? I take it to mean, I want a certain thing to happen but, chances are, it won't so I'm trying not to care...well that's kind of stupid. I mean, if you don't care, then of course you won't hold your breath waiting for it to happen.
This past few weeks have been really interesting/confusing/emotional but I have been happy through it all. I think we are on our path to maybe working things out with Aaron. He admitted wrong to all the things he's done and I know he is sincere this time. I want things to work, he wants them to work, now, and this is where the breath holding comes in, he has to show it.
Talk is cheap, if he wants me to risk upsetting my family intensely, then he needs to prove it. He knows he needs to prove it, and that I'm not waiting forever, so it's all up to him now.
I do have some reservations, I worry so much about what my family will do or say about it. Will they support me? Will they disown me? Will everything still be ok? The only thing I do know, is that when the 3 of us are together, everything is right with the world for that moment. My son is happy, I am happy and that's what matters right?
I am so glad that I have this blog to throw my random thoughts out, I don't know who or shoot, if anyone reads it, I don't really care, I just need this outlet to get all my thoughts out without being judged by anyone.
I can't handle being judged anymore. I just want to do what makes me happy and what makes Dae happy and I don't need any bullshit. If I get hurt again, it will be all on me and I won't go crying to anyone...but, I don't think I'm going to be hurt again.
This past few weeks have been really interesting/confusing/emotional but I have been happy through it all. I think we are on our path to maybe working things out with Aaron. He admitted wrong to all the things he's done and I know he is sincere this time. I want things to work, he wants them to work, now, and this is where the breath holding comes in, he has to show it.
Talk is cheap, if he wants me to risk upsetting my family intensely, then he needs to prove it. He knows he needs to prove it, and that I'm not waiting forever, so it's all up to him now.
I do have some reservations, I worry so much about what my family will do or say about it. Will they support me? Will they disown me? Will everything still be ok? The only thing I do know, is that when the 3 of us are together, everything is right with the world for that moment. My son is happy, I am happy and that's what matters right?
I am so glad that I have this blog to throw my random thoughts out, I don't know who or shoot, if anyone reads it, I don't really care, I just need this outlet to get all my thoughts out without being judged by anyone.
I can't handle being judged anymore. I just want to do what makes me happy and what makes Dae happy and I don't need any bullshit. If I get hurt again, it will be all on me and I won't go crying to anyone...but, I don't think I'm going to be hurt again.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Blogging on the Bus
Decided to finally use my blogger app and blog on the go. I wanted to tell the world about this stupid guy who rides the bus...I'm sure he's a nice guy but the way he wears his hat just makes me think otherwise. It's just barely sitting on top of his head, and backwards...kind of like...ugh I wish I could take a picture. Its not even on top of his head, its just sitting on the back of his head like those caps Jewish men/boys wear...except this is a Cincinnati Reds cap lol anyway, he looks foolish and everytime I see him I want to ask if he thinks he looks cool or doesn't know how to buy hats.
Ok, enough picking on that kid lol
Today Aaron comes back from McAllen and will be bringing "my" car to me. I'm pretty excited, its not the best car, but its free. Who can argue with free? Not me.
I'm still all over the place with him...most days I can see all the hurt he's put me through, the carelessness, the fact he won't grow up...but then...every once in a while, I think, well, maybe he can change. Maybe this time will be different, maybe things will work out. Maybe, just maybe, he realizes he can't live without me and he will do anything to make it up to me. I've tried to talk myself out of these feelings, but I just can't. I never, ever wanted my marriage to end, I always said that no matter what he did (aside from putting hands on me/dae) that I would make it work. I just don't know what he is thinking/feeling and I could be setting myself up for a huge letdown.
Only time will tell.
Ok, enough picking on that kid lol
Today Aaron comes back from McAllen and will be bringing "my" car to me. I'm pretty excited, its not the best car, but its free. Who can argue with free? Not me.
I'm still all over the place with him...most days I can see all the hurt he's put me through, the carelessness, the fact he won't grow up...but then...every once in a while, I think, well, maybe he can change. Maybe this time will be different, maybe things will work out. Maybe, just maybe, he realizes he can't live without me and he will do anything to make it up to me. I've tried to talk myself out of these feelings, but I just can't. I never, ever wanted my marriage to end, I always said that no matter what he did (aside from putting hands on me/dae) that I would make it work. I just don't know what he is thinking/feeling and I could be setting myself up for a huge letdown.
Only time will tell.
posted from Bloggeroid
Sunday, September 18, 2011
One Week Later...
Gah, how emotional was last week? Crazy. I still have a lot of those feelings, this week has been really stressful emotionally/energy wise...there is a lot of thinking I have been doing and a whole lot of feeling...I am even more confused now then I was back in January.
I feel like back in May when things just got so shitty, I was filled with some kind of frantic energy. It was like I was clawing my way out of a hole and now...I am just too damn tired to climb anymore. I'm still feeling beaten down, exhausted, physically and emotionally. Still feeling lost, scared and alone.
Things will get better, I know they will, they have to...nothing can be worse then these feelings right now. Nothing can be any worse then this shit. I am hoping that what I feel in my heart is meant to be and one day it will sync with what my brain is telling me.
Right now, my brain is in charge, the heart is just too...unpredictable and sensitive.
I feel like back in May when things just got so shitty, I was filled with some kind of frantic energy. It was like I was clawing my way out of a hole and now...I am just too damn tired to climb anymore. I'm still feeling beaten down, exhausted, physically and emotionally. Still feeling lost, scared and alone.
Things will get better, I know they will, they have to...nothing can be worse then these feelings right now. Nothing can be any worse then this shit. I am hoping that what I feel in my heart is meant to be and one day it will sync with what my brain is telling me.
Right now, my brain is in charge, the heart is just too...unpredictable and sensitive.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Adele and Lil Wayne
Not a likely combination, but the last two blogs I just posted, the songs by Adele and Lil Wayne are the two songs that I have on repeat almost all day. They just seem to speak to me, to reach out and touch me.
I've been feeling really shitty this week...some say this is part of the "grieving" process, anger, frustration, jealousy...I don't know how to describe my feelings which is odd because 99% of the time I know exactly what emotion I am feeling at any point in time.
I just want to know what he is thinking. Is he as upset as I am, does he think about me as much as I think of him? I hate how much I think about him, I wish I could just erase him from my mind. I find myself thinking of him while I'm waiting for the bus, walking around campus, eating alone...I am really in a love/hate relationship with myself right now. All that confidence I had, I don't know where it went. I walk through campus and I feel empty. All I can remember is being there with him, how we sat in the cyber cafe and watched anime, or how he would walk me to class and then I'd go and wait for him outside of his class. I find myself aching from loneliness as I walk through campus. Most days I just want to leave and never come back, if I didn't have Dae, waiting for me at home, I'm not sure where I would be right now.
I haven't wanted to say it, but I can't hide it anymore. I hurt. Everything hurts, nothing is fun anymore, I feel like an empty shell just going through the day to day motions. I can't wait for the day to be over so I can go to sleep and pretend like things won't suck when I wake up. I don't know what to do about this, I can't let it consume me this way, but I have never been in this situation before and I have no idea how to handle it. I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do, I don't know anything.
I thought I was happy, yeah we had our moments, but I thought that was normal marriage stuff and everything would work out. There were so many promises made and broken, as if they had been made with no intent to keep them in the first place. I supported him, defended him, stood by him and then BOOM. I get left behind like nothing. Why couldn't things have happened earlier? Why did I have to be blindsided by him? How can I ever trust someone again? How do I know that the next guy won't just make promises he has no intention on keeping. How am I supposed to trust someone with the most precious part of me ever again? I gave my heart and soul to him and he just played with it and then threw it away with no remorse, no apology. That is the deepest hurt I have ever felt.
I wish my sister were here right now. I HATE that she's in Heaven when I need her here with me. It's been 5years since she passed and everyday I just want to pick up my phone and call her. See what she's doing, how her day was, see if she wants to do something and I can't. It breaks my heart to see sisters who don't get along, my sister was my first best friend, she hung the moon to me, she was the one person I told everything too and I need her so much right now. She was stolen from me and I want her back.
All I know, is that I am lonely as hell and I hate it. I hate everything, the only light in my life is Dae and I know I need to be strong for him, but damn, I'm not sure how long I can play this game. Fake it till you make it is my motto right now but I really don't think I can fake it for long. This must be why people jump into relationships so quickly, what's the word? rebound. yeah, but I can't even have that because I don't even want to talk to anyone and the idea of "dating" someone makes me sick to my stomach.
I'm afraid I am going to be alone forever, that I will never find anyone who loves me or is good enough for Dae. How can I be with someone when I have a child? I don't know how that works or if I can handle that or if anyone even wants to be with someone like me. I just feel so shitty about myself, I don't know how to change the way I think/feel.
ugh.
I've been feeling really shitty this week...some say this is part of the "grieving" process, anger, frustration, jealousy...I don't know how to describe my feelings which is odd because 99% of the time I know exactly what emotion I am feeling at any point in time.
I just want to know what he is thinking. Is he as upset as I am, does he think about me as much as I think of him? I hate how much I think about him, I wish I could just erase him from my mind. I find myself thinking of him while I'm waiting for the bus, walking around campus, eating alone...I am really in a love/hate relationship with myself right now. All that confidence I had, I don't know where it went. I walk through campus and I feel empty. All I can remember is being there with him, how we sat in the cyber cafe and watched anime, or how he would walk me to class and then I'd go and wait for him outside of his class. I find myself aching from loneliness as I walk through campus. Most days I just want to leave and never come back, if I didn't have Dae, waiting for me at home, I'm not sure where I would be right now.
I haven't wanted to say it, but I can't hide it anymore. I hurt. Everything hurts, nothing is fun anymore, I feel like an empty shell just going through the day to day motions. I can't wait for the day to be over so I can go to sleep and pretend like things won't suck when I wake up. I don't know what to do about this, I can't let it consume me this way, but I have never been in this situation before and I have no idea how to handle it. I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do, I don't know anything.
I thought I was happy, yeah we had our moments, but I thought that was normal marriage stuff and everything would work out. There were so many promises made and broken, as if they had been made with no intent to keep them in the first place. I supported him, defended him, stood by him and then BOOM. I get left behind like nothing. Why couldn't things have happened earlier? Why did I have to be blindsided by him? How can I ever trust someone again? How do I know that the next guy won't just make promises he has no intention on keeping. How am I supposed to trust someone with the most precious part of me ever again? I gave my heart and soul to him and he just played with it and then threw it away with no remorse, no apology. That is the deepest hurt I have ever felt.
I wish my sister were here right now. I HATE that she's in Heaven when I need her here with me. It's been 5years since she passed and everyday I just want to pick up my phone and call her. See what she's doing, how her day was, see if she wants to do something and I can't. It breaks my heart to see sisters who don't get along, my sister was my first best friend, she hung the moon to me, she was the one person I told everything too and I need her so much right now. She was stolen from me and I want her back.
All I know, is that I am lonely as hell and I hate it. I hate everything, the only light in my life is Dae and I know I need to be strong for him, but damn, I'm not sure how long I can play this game. Fake it till you make it is my motto right now but I really don't think I can fake it for long. This must be why people jump into relationships so quickly, what's the word? rebound. yeah, but I can't even have that because I don't even want to talk to anyone and the idea of "dating" someone makes me sick to my stomach.
I'm afraid I am going to be alone forever, that I will never find anyone who loves me or is good enough for Dae. How can I be with someone when I have a child? I don't know how that works or if I can handle that or if anyone even wants to be with someone like me. I just feel so shitty about myself, I don't know how to change the way I think/feel.
ugh.
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