Adele and Lil Wayne

Not a likely combination, but the last two blogs I just posted, the songs by Adele and Lil Wayne are the two songs that I have on repeat almost all day. They just seem to speak to me, to reach out and touch me.

I've been feeling really shitty this week...some say this is part of the "grieving" process, anger, frustration, jealousy...I don't know how to describe my feelings which is odd because 99% of the time I know exactly what emotion I am feeling at any point in time.

I just want to know what he is thinking. Is he as upset as I am, does he think about me as much as I think of him? I hate how much I think about him, I wish I could just erase him from my mind. I find myself thinking of him while I'm waiting for the bus, walking around campus, eating alone...I am really in a love/hate relationship with myself right now. All that confidence I had, I don't know where it went. I walk through campus and I feel empty. All I can remember is being there with him, how we sat in the cyber cafe and watched anime, or how he would walk me to class and then I'd go and wait for him outside of his class. I find myself aching from loneliness as I walk through campus. Most days I just want to leave and never come back, if I didn't have Dae, waiting for me at home, I'm not sure where I would be right now.

I haven't wanted to say it, but I can't hide it anymore. I hurt. Everything hurts, nothing is fun anymore, I feel like an empty shell just going through the day to day motions. I can't wait for the day to be over so I can go to sleep and pretend like things won't suck when I wake up. I don't know what to do about this, I can't let it consume me this way, but I have never been in this situation before and I have no idea how to handle it. I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do, I don't know anything.

I thought I was happy, yeah we had our moments, but I thought that was normal marriage stuff and everything would work out. There were so many promises made and broken, as if they had been made with no intent to keep them in the first place. I supported him, defended him, stood by him and then BOOM. I get left behind like nothing. Why couldn't things have happened earlier? Why did I have to be blindsided by him? How can I ever trust someone again? How do I know that the next guy won't just make promises he has no intention on keeping. How am I supposed to trust someone with the most precious part of me ever again? I gave my heart and soul to him and he just played with it and then threw it away with no remorse, no apology. That is the deepest hurt I have ever felt.

I wish my sister were here right now. I HATE that she's in Heaven when I need her here with me. It's been 5years since she passed and everyday I just want to pick up my phone and call her. See what she's doing, how her day was, see if she wants to do something and I can't. It breaks my heart to see sisters who don't get along, my sister was my first best friend, she hung the moon to me, she was the one person I told everything too and I need her so much right now. She was stolen from me and I want her back.

All I know, is that I am lonely as hell and I hate it. I hate everything, the only light in my life is Dae and I know I need to be strong for him, but damn, I'm not sure how long I can play this game. Fake it till you make it is my motto right now but I really don't think I can fake it for long. This must be why people jump into relationships so quickly, what's the word? rebound. yeah, but I can't even have that because I don't even want to talk to anyone and the idea of "dating" someone makes me sick to my stomach.

I'm afraid I am going to be alone forever, that I will never find anyone who loves me or is good enough for Dae. How can I be with someone when I have a child? I don't know how that works or if I can handle that or if anyone even wants to be with someone like me. I just feel so shitty about myself, I don't know how to change the way I think/feel.

ugh.