I Survived!!!!

I did it!! I made it through the first week of classes, rode the bus and didn't die or get attacked by zombies or explode. Yes, those were all fears of mine, don't judge me. I am really, really liking college this time around. I think 3rd time's a charm, finally.

I feel much more focused and serious about everything now, like I have finally grown up and my choices don't only impact me, but my son as well and I need to make the best choices because of that. He relies on me so much, that there is no way I can let him down now. Everything I do, I do for him and its got to be the best.

OMG some people just drive me nuts, reminding me why I am NOT ready to date. This guy, the one that I went out on ONE DATE with is acting like we are freaking meant to be together or some shit. He keeps texting me about stupid shit, wondering when we are going out again which is NEVER cause I'm not into that shit. Now he's texting me about the mother effing Cowboys game like I give a damn. I've ignored all the texts but that doesn't stop them...ugh. what.a.mess.

On the good side of things, my FIL is going to help me out! He is going to loan me a car while I'm in school and claims that he's going to send me money on the regular. I really am thankful that he's going to help me out while I'm in school, right now I need all the help I can get. Especially since I haven't heard back from SAC HR about the work study job. Which reminds me I need to call them and call the food stamps office and let them know I'm no longer working. Hmm lots of calls to make...I also need to get back down to the staff office of the attorney general and work on my divorce papers. I've been kind of putting that off. No real reason, just a sadness that comes with knowing and admitting that my marriage really is over.

Back to School!!!

Back to school, back to school, to prove that I am not a fool...LOL

It's school time again and OH BOY there is already a new group of random ass kids talking about stupid shit. LOVE IT. The kid next to me is SO SO desperately trying to bust some game on this girl, he's talking about how the place he lives is SO shitty, how he is SO anti social networking, he just has a facebook, twitter, google+ and high 5 (whatever that is)...ok guy...he also mentioned how stoned he was and how he was going to already skip class. It's the second freaking day of school. so stupid. love it.

Bahaha anyway, it's so weird to be going to school again though. Waking up early, riding the bus, walking to campus...let me tell you, I don't feel like a 25 year old single mom. I just feel 25. And you know what? I like it. Don't misunderstand, I love my son, he's my entire world and I love being a mother but this feeling that I get when I'm on campus, I can just walk and decide what I'm doing and where I'm going and it's just ME...its special, I love it. I know Dae is being taken care of at home, he's happy, playing, etc and I have the freedom to just be ME.

This is my chance to really find myself and really discover who I really am and what I want in life, love and anything and everything really. I see these happy couples everywhere on campus and can't help but to feel a twinge of jealousy...just two years ago, I was one of those couples...its amazing how different just a couple of years can make in someone's life. It's like two different lifetimes to me, such a world of difference.

It's Almost Time!!!!!!

I'm so excited!!!!! Just 4 more days of work and then I will be a FULL TIME COLLEGE STUDENT! I took today off to try and get some things handled at the court house, SAC and with child support but shoot, that just turned into a big mess. I ran around like a crazy person with the stupid court stuff and then was told I had the wrong forms but the "right" forms aren't even relevant to what we are doing...I think I am just going to revise the ones I have and submit them again. The new ones have like 6 pages of what is going to happen with the property/cars/money/assets...uhh we don't have that shit. The only thing we do have is the ps3 and the laptop and that has been divided since he left in January. I was thinking of putting in the armiore and the trundle bed as the property that we have so that his stupid ass mother is pretty much court ordered to replace it before taking it. She is the one acting so petty and stupid about this whole situation.

Blah, enough of that crap, onto more fun and interesting things...like I'm going on a TRIP!! Well, hoping/planning to go on a trip. There's going to be an event in galveston called Oni-Con, an amine/japanese pop culture type event. It sounds AWESOME!!! I hope I can save up the money to go, it is a long time to be away from Dae, but my mom is ok with watching Dae that time, and even thinking of taking a trip to the beach with him so we can spend some time there also. We'll have to see what happens, it would be awesome to be able to go to Con and spend time with Dae on the beach. Just have to wait and see what is going to happen, I'm so over planning things and being so anal about schedules and shit, I am trying to just live day by day.

Speaking of day by day, I want to be done with work already!!! I just want my financial aid so I can go shopping for my books and school stuff! I am such a nerd because I am looking so forward to buying books and notebooks and pens and other supplies LOL aaaaaaaand maybe I am looking forward to doing some clothes shopping too. I think I have enough summer stuff, I might get another couple pairs of shorts and some jeans/fall/winter type stuff because I have none of that type stuff and won't have money when that season hits, so I need to buy it now while I have the funds.

Life is looking up for me and I'm just hanging on for the ride!

All Alone...

I hate this feeling, I feel like I am the only single person in the world. Of course I know this isn't true, shoot I think my friends are split 50/50 between single/taken but as I sit here, watching TV, playing on facebook, I long to have a conversation with someone about love/life/pursuit of happiness...I hate that I feel like my best friend is gone, unreachable, almost like they've died.

He isn't the man I thought he was, he's not the guy that was my best friend, that I loved to be around, that could make my dreams come true, and yet, sometimes I wish he were still here. I don't feel like I will ever find the perfect guy because I don't think that person exists. I also don't think that person fits into my life...I don't know what I want in a guy, but I want someone who is real and who can take care of me. I am so full of emotion, I can't figure out what I am trying to say...ugh so frustrating.

I just think about things like, what if, some day I find my perfect man, and want to marry again...what would Dae think? Will he be mad? Will he wonder why I didn't stay married to his dad and wonder why I want to marry this other man? What if I have kids with this other guy? Will he be upset if I have another baby? He's already so jealous, but what if he wants to have a sibling?

I know these are such silly things to wonder about, but they are things that jump into my head and I have to get them out somewhere...

Blogging on the Floor

I am lying on the floor watching Alaska State Troopers playing with my new toy...my itty bitty laptop! It's so freaking cute, I'm trying to get used to it before school starts so I can be a pro lol I'm getting more and more excited to start classes!


I put in my two weeks on Friday, things went great, I am really going to miss transcom but this is going to be the best thing that could happen to me right now. I am so happy and life is so good, I feel like things are really going to go well.


I bought the stuff for Dae's party, all that is missing is his gift, portable dvd player, and I'm thinking of getting that at Big Lots cause its only $49 which is the cheapest I can find, and for a 2 year old, that's really all I am willing to spend since I can guarantee it won't be destroyed!

Queen of the Damned

I love this movie!!!! This movie came out before all that shit with Twilight came out and its one of my favorite movies. Actually the only vampire movie I love love love. I had forgotten about my Netflix account until recently, and now I am SO glad I have it back.

I don't get what the big deal was with the price hike, its easier to have streaming only, who needs the damn dvds? I sure don't.

ugh, I'm rambling, but I don't care, I'm exhausted tonight. Been pulling extra hours at work and now I'm finally starting to feel like I have a plan going on!!

I'm gonna share it! I'm planning to leave work on 8/19 since classes start on 8/22. That is 2 full paychecks away, so I am planning to work all the over time I possibly can and get as much money as I can and when I get the financial aid check, I want to put it in savings so that I have it for the rest of the semester. Now that I've actually signed up for the classes, I'm no longer worried that I am making the wrong decision. I know this is the right thing to do for me and Dae and because things are meant to be, they will work out. Things are going great for me, and they will continue to go well as long as I keep my head up. I'm so freaking excited to be getting back to campus and starting to feel 25 again.

Yes I'm a single mother, but I still want to feel young again...I want to have a good time and still do well by Dae and myself.

My goal is to take things one day at a time and not stress out so much.

Speaking of one day at a time, my little sister is thinking of moving back to her home state and I'm so bummed but happy for her at the same time. She's matured so much in such a short time, I know she can and will make the right choices for her and her son, I'm proud to call her my sister.

Enough for now, time to enjoy my movie.

Too Fast Too Furious...

wow...this friend of mine I've been talking to at work is moving WAY too fast for me. I'm not sure what I am supposed to do. I feel that I have made it blatantly obvious that I am in no way interested in him in a more serious way...ugh it's freaking bothering me so much!! I don't want to hurt his feelings, but he's older then me so of all people he should feel the same way...it is really bothering me that he won't just let things go the way they are meant to go and not try to push anything on me.

Then again, I don't know if I am going to be at work much longer, things are SO stressful right now! I hate to whine, but this is my blog so I'm going to whine on...I honestly hate having to make big decisions, one thing Aaron was good at was just taking chances and jumping head first into things...sure, sometimes things backfired, but half the fun was in taking chances...

I have too many things on my plate right now, well I feel like I do. I never wanted to be a single mother...selfish of me? Sure, but that's just the honest truth. I always wanted to be a wife/mother and have a partner by my side. I often wonder if I have found and lost my one true love. I don't feel like I am strong enough to be a single mother and go to school and work full time...I miss my baby so freaking much. I just want to lay in bed and cuddle him forever...or at least as long as he will allow me.

It breaks my heart when he calls my mom "mama". I know he doesn't really know, he calls almost everyone mama, it just stings a bit. I'm 10000000x thankful he's not in daycare though, that would just break my heart.

Can't I just flip a coin and let that make all the big scary decisions????