Sad that I'm not sad?

I haven't cried all week. It's kinda weird but I am not sad that things are so bad. I feel really distant, just trying to focus on finding a job and not think about what is going on.

I just realized that I am no longer broken hearted over this situation. I am angry, but I have set some dates and I think that is what helped me realize that its really not me but him.

April 20, 2011- this is 420 and also the last day that I am going to give Aaron time to figure out what he wants. If he hasn't changed or we aren't working on our marriage, I am going to decide to get divorced and move on. I pray everyday that this will happen long before this date and a divorce will not be needed.

May 20, 2011- my birthday. Also the date that I want all my tickets paid and have my license and I want to have a car on/before this date.

July 20, 2011- I want to be ready to move into my own place by this date. If Aaron and I work things out, I still do not want to be living at home.

Best Friends

I talked to Crystal last night. She's me and Aaron's best friend, the only one who knows us both as a couple.

I felt like I was putting her in the middle, but she is so sweet and the best person ever, she really helped me see that it does take two of us working together to fix our marriage. I don't understand how we can fix things being 200 miles away. I want to go down to Edinburg, I want to force him to talk to me and to fix this WITH me. Along side me, together.

I am so scared that this isn't going to work out because of something I didn't do. Everyone tells me to cut my losses and to let him go, but I can't do that.


I love him. Aaron is my best friend in the world. There is no other person that I want to spend my life with, that I want to watch TV with, that I want to laugh and cry and celebrate with. He's my whole world and without him I feel like a deep hole.

Wise Words

Heather Sauce Aulich

After reading so much lately about each of our lives, I have to truly ask myself what is it that I overlooked to fall so in love with someone that was so wrong for me. How did each of us overlook the things in our significant other that has now taken us to divorcing them? Dustin had posted to someone that maybe we believed that our men were the victims of some cruel BM. But yet here we are most of us divorced or on the verge of divorce. So was BM truly the issue? I can honestly say in my case that BM had her faults but DW was the issue. I know each of us has said that we never wanted our biochildren to grow up the way that our stepchildren did. But in reality, I think my children will be much better kids for having lived through all of this! I honestly hope that each of you that is going through a divorce or thinking about it, will really look at your situation honestly. It took me years to truly do that. I had wonderful friends telling me to evaluate things for years but never would listen to them but rather made more and more excuses! I have finally gotten to a place that I realize I deserve so much more than I was being given. I may not be happy right now in my current situation, but it will be much better for my future!!! Please truly give yourself the credit you deserve and seek all that you deserve!

 

--I love this so much. There are so many good points here, I am thankful for friends like this. I'm not ready to deal with the things mentioned in here, but I can already see that I am not the enemy here. All I asked for was normal things that families do. 

I am not to blame!

I wish...

life was like the movies. I'm watching Sex and the City and the ladies break up and they get back together and things are happy. How do I know my life will be like that?

How will I know things will work out for me and Aaron? What if they don't? What will I do? How can I go
on?

fish out of water

That is how I feel right now, I am flopping around unable to breathe and not knowing what to do next.



Aaron left on Thursday. He said he wasn't happy and wanted to separate and I realized that I could not get him to understand that we can not live with our parents forever. He seems too comfortable with that and I can't handle it. So far we are separated not trying to divorce but who knows what he will want in a few months. I feel like I want to curl into a ball and die, never did I want my son to have to deal with having two homes.



I'm not sure what is going on anymore. I am going to try and change, but honestly, if he would rather just leave then work on things then maybe its for the best.

I'm trying to watch Big Bang Theory but I just want to bawl. I do not want my marriage to be over.

This blog is my journey. At times, it might be random and others angry or sad but I hope either way, it will help me work through this.