now what?

So its been a while since I've talked to Aaron. I sent him an email asking him if he wanted me to pause the divorce and I think I was too emotional and maybe scared him off.

Blah, I'm starting to get worried though, he was supposed to be in Las Cruces,NM and was going to stay long enough to get his food stamp card and then he was leaving...well from NM-California is all desert so of course I'm a bit freaked out that something has happened.

Of course, like last time, I don't have that feeling in my heart that he's hurt so I know he's probably just not able to get access to a computer. I just wish he'd let me know he's ok.

I'm doing somethings for me, got a cute haircut today and I think with a little getting used to it will be cute.

random phone calls...

So I'm chillin at home and this number I don't know calls me, I missed the call so I call it back and turns out it was Aaron. The voice sounded familiar on the other end but it had actually been a long time since I've talked to Aaron on the phone, I wasn't sure what his voice sounded like.

We made small talk, and I let him talk to Dae for a bit. Yeah Dae actually talks on the phone now, he's SO adorable and such a big boy. He says things like "hi" "yeah" "uh huh" "ok" and pauses to listen. SO cool.

So I feel SO bad because while I had him on the line and I tried to call his mom so she could talk to him, but she didn't answer and he couldn't stay on the line long but I was able to call his brother Richard for him and he was able to talk to him and tell him what he wanted etc. He's bringing me the ps3 and games for Dae.

I am so confused right now...I am pretty much the only person he has to rely on, and he's already asked me to pay his tickets, child support and other things and promises to help me...part of me thinks he is being honest and true but there is another part of me that just...can't trust him anymore.

Like my brain says that I don't want to be married to him anymore, and I honestly don't have that feeling of "love/passion" towards him. I remember how I felt back in 2006 and those feelings of we will rule the world are over. If he comes back and can get a job and work then maybe we will be friends, maybe we will be best friends but I'm not sure either one of us is "in love" with the other one anymore.

IDK...this is all just too much.

$&@^$(&%$&!@#)(&*$&

whew! got that off my chest LOL

I am sick of my "family". yes, I love them to death and am so very thankful to have them in my life helping me and supporting me but OMFG I am sick of them practically forcing me to go through with this divorce. Yes, I know things are really bad right now and Aaron is not the man I thought he was but shit, I am not the woman I thought I was either!

Things are just SO incredibly unpredictable right now I'd rather just give myself time to figure out who I am and what I want. If that takes a year or 6 months or 3 months whatever, it should be on my time and not when they want me too.

Roller-coaster

Yup. I'm on a roller-coaster. Emotions are all over the place and I'm not sure which ones to ignore, or to focus on, or WHAT to do. I am just lost.

Today I went to court to speak with them about the affidavit of inability to pay court costs, and they said because I am on food stamps I qualified for the program. I had planned to drop the case if I had to pay the court costs but since they accepted my affidavit I don't need to worry about that.

I still kind of want to drop the divorce right now...I know its stupid to think that we may get back together and OMG the drama that would cause with everyone. YIKES.

yet...maybe he will change, we have chatted a lot and I still am the only one who supports him, I would love him to change, I might fall in love with him again...I have no idea what is going to happen but I'd like to keep things ok...


yeah, see my confusion????

Tracked him down...

His crazy ass hitch-hiked from McAllen,TX to Laredo,TX. That's like 145miles!


I am going to post the emails he sent me:
March 19th-  i did something horrible thursday night and i am to ashamed and guilt ridden to face it. what it did do is make me realize that i am not that man i need to be for the boys. i have decided to be homeless and hitch hike to califonia. i have had a life i didn't deserve and boys who need a better father. i don't have my cell phone with me. to be honest i don't even really know what i am doing but i know  need to do something and what i was doing wasn't working. one day i will be what the boys need. please tell my mom that im ok and alive. i will message you if i need any information at a later time to send my CS payments. i know everyone is mad at me. i hope oneday i can make it up to every one.  plz kiss the boys for me. tell them what ever you feel is right. i will try to keep contact via internet atleast once a week.


good bye.

March 22- i have a request that the boys spend time together to replace my visitation. i love them so much and there always on my mind. i see other ppl with there kids and it makes me sad. the reason i am doing this is to make my self a better person for them. they need someone better then what i am now and i am determined to become that. i am going to live a humble life in a state of sin and i will either make it or not. i love the boys so much. i was going to tell you once i have some real money i will make a payment on the phone to cover at least this month and the dissconnection fee. i need to see if i can really stand on my own two feet without the support of the ones who love me and carry me. kiss dea for me.


no i still plan on going to Calli. there is where i plan to make something of my self. by 'humble life' i mean i wont own anything of value except for a good board, and maybe a surfboard too. beyond that just work and sleep. i want to come back accomplished and know i can do things for myself.

*sigh* I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't want him "back" I just want things to be normal.

Name changed

Blog name that is. Tank Tops and Flip Flops are my two favorite things ever and just describe me perfectly. Therefore its more fitting.

Losing it...

Aaron has disappeared. Yolanda called me at 7:30am Thursday (17th) because Dae had a high fever and she panicked. She then told me that she hadn't seen Aaron since 7am Wednesday (16th). I'm actually a bit worried because he told her that he was a fuck up and the boys were better off without him.

I kinda think he is hiding out because I don't have the feeling in my heart/gut that he is hurt or worse. I'm ANGRY because to me he just abandoned his sons and that is 100% not ok in my book. He wants to say the boys are better off without him then fine, he will not be in Dae's life. That breaks my heart but what can I do? I can't force him to grow up.

I am totally frustrated today! I got a letter from food stamps and they denied my claim because they messed up the paper work and said I didn't turn my papers in on time. UGH. they guy actually sounded like he'd help me so I'm really hoping he does!

Thanks to Aaron's stupid self, I used a LOT of money yesterday. ugh

Boo is sick, I gotta get him.